Life change

I have wanted to be thin, pretty, popular, more outgoing. But one thing I have never aspired to is being unemployed. To explain - my current job situation is this - I was a fixed term employee and my fixed term which had been extended after the first expiration, has now finally come to a natural end. With the downturn and especially in the industry in which I work, I anticipated a non-renewal. But yesterday I got it in writing and when you see it in writing, any fleeting hopes and thoughts of maybe there is a chance, are dashed forever. I left the office feeling as though I would cry and I think I even tried to cry, but I did not cry. But I felt sad and anxious and everything I said I would not feel - I said I would leave it in the hands of God and do my part by sending stuff out and networking and calling people. So it is a daily struggle with these feelings. I have been here before but the timing is so gloomy - with all the news talking about unemployment and cut backs etc.

So I am one of those people in the long lines waiting to see what happens next. I am THAT girl.

I went out with my girlfriends last night and had fun. It's the same thing everywhere. One friend is job hunting with no present job to soften the blow like me (well, I have one more month of the cushion). One is on a "me break" while she decides what she is going to do when she gets back home. One is anticipating HR to walk in one morning with a voluntary separation package. We had a toast to our present state of job uncertainty.

So I am home today - just vegging. Don't want to think about anything right now but keeping the half-full glass in front of me as opposed to the half-empty one. I still have it a lot better than a lot of people - I have my health and no family crises and if push comes to shove, I live at home - no mortgage payments, my car is almost paid for, and my mother will feed me. I just won't be travelling, gymming, shopping, or getting Haagen Daaz. But I am 100% positive it won't come to that - there will always be Haagen Daaz, and there will be trips and adventures and gyms and shoes, and and there will be a job to pay for it all. lol. I am really sticking to my affirmations and reiterating that positivity breeds positivity and attracts positivity. But you really have to work on it.

I have great hopes for this life change of mine. My spirit is strong and glorious and I will be blogging about my good news soon.

On the rocks

I'm home - eating cheese balls and drinking Bailey's on the rocks. I have to take a nap before Grey's Anatomy so won't have a real dinner now. I am also trying to calm anxiety and the only way possible for someone like me after a long day is food. In this case, cheese balls and Bailey's.

I am really trying my damndest not to let this whole impending unemployment thing stress me. I have some eggs in some baskets but I am anxious for these eggs to start hatching already and give me some chicks. Or maybe I can use them for a nice omelette. Something. I have been practising my affirmations - my "not IF I get a job but WHEN I get a job" affirmations. Gosh...it's hard though to stay smurfy about it when the phone does not ring with news.

Job hunting is a real pain in the ass especially when one's back is against a wall. I keep thinking about the bills that somehow don't get the memo that you don't have a job and keep coming anyway. And I keep thinking about all the things I have gotten used to - like monthly dinners and trips and shopping. I know what it's like to be without a job and those memories are haunting me.

The annoying part of all this is that I vowed this year to leave things to God. Yep. Leave all my baggage to Jesus. But somehow my neuroses seem to get the best of me and I end up taking it back when I know it's best to just leave things to fall in place. I have done my part. The eggs are in their baskets. Not much else I can do. It is not a daily process anymore - this affirmation thing - it is a process I take minute by minute. I don't want to be THAT girl that starts crying and stressing on the 8th day of the year. No. Not that girl. Not so early.

My moods are up and down like a rollercoaster lately.

Thank God for Bailey's.