Dead-end

The entire weekend has been a disaster. I have been struggling with the depression and hopelessness for the entire time and it has been a pretty one-sided battle thus far. I am surrounded by life - lives going ahead and moving forward, but somehow I have almost given up on my own life. At least for now. I know that down the road I will read this and go, yeah...one of those days. But the emptiness today is swallowing me whole. The emotions are raw and out in the open, and the tears are many. I am exhausted from all this emotional purging, but better now, than tomorrow. I feel like I am in quicksand, struggling to get out, but only getting pulled under.

I think maybe I should just sit this one out today, and let whatever is to happen to me, happen, cause I am just sooooooo very tired of trying.

Life change

I have wanted to be thin, pretty, popular, more outgoing. But one thing I have never aspired to is being unemployed. To explain - my current job situation is this - I was a fixed term employee and my fixed term which had been extended after the first expiration, has now finally come to a natural end. With the downturn and especially in the industry in which I work, I anticipated a non-renewal. But yesterday I got it in writing and when you see it in writing, any fleeting hopes and thoughts of maybe there is a chance, are dashed forever. I left the office feeling as though I would cry and I think I even tried to cry, but I did not cry. But I felt sad and anxious and everything I said I would not feel - I said I would leave it in the hands of God and do my part by sending stuff out and networking and calling people. So it is a daily struggle with these feelings. I have been here before but the timing is so gloomy - with all the news talking about unemployment and cut backs etc.

So I am one of those people in the long lines waiting to see what happens next. I am THAT girl.

I went out with my girlfriends last night and had fun. It's the same thing everywhere. One friend is job hunting with no present job to soften the blow like me (well, I have one more month of the cushion). One is on a "me break" while she decides what she is going to do when she gets back home. One is anticipating HR to walk in one morning with a voluntary separation package. We had a toast to our present state of job uncertainty.

So I am home today - just vegging. Don't want to think about anything right now but keeping the half-full glass in front of me as opposed to the half-empty one. I still have it a lot better than a lot of people - I have my health and no family crises and if push comes to shove, I live at home - no mortgage payments, my car is almost paid for, and my mother will feed me. I just won't be travelling, gymming, shopping, or getting Haagen Daaz. But I am 100% positive it won't come to that - there will always be Haagen Daaz, and there will be trips and adventures and gyms and shoes, and and there will be a job to pay for it all. lol. I am really sticking to my affirmations and reiterating that positivity breeds positivity and attracts positivity. But you really have to work on it.

I have great hopes for this life change of mine. My spirit is strong and glorious and I will be blogging about my good news soon.

Meandering thoughts that are put into meandering words

You're gonna get a lot of up and down here. I told myself I would write only when I felt good and happy and smurfy but then that would be a misrepresentation of my life. To be honest, as I said before, with my affirmations, I am about 75-25 - more up than down. I am making a concerted effort to not be THAT girl - the bitter, depressed girl, but rather the girl who appreciates life and its blessings. The downs have been fleeting but they exist. I am not at the critical point yet where I feel my life totally slipping away from me, and that means there is still time for salvaging from 2008's missteps. I am moving forward and leaving all that behind but it still manifests itself every now and then.

Some people may be content with being mediocre but I cannot accept anything less than great for myself. It's a constant struggle to love myself as I am.

I have to keep the radio on to keep smiling today cause the feeling is creeping up on me and it's bad. It's up to Machel and Patrice and the rest of the soca world to keep me from crying today.

When I'm up though, I'm really up. My British friend remarked while he was here that he had never met anyone as friendly and outgoing as I am. We would go out and I would make conversation with everyone we met. He thought it quite remarkable and I guess being British, he is really not used to it cause he commented on it each and every time I did it. But we went to dinner and by the end of the night I knew not only the waitress' name but where she lived, how many kids she had, the host's name, the name of the couples next to us and the fact that it was their first New Year's eve together in 15 years. I became friends with the dudes on the beach, the bartender at the other little place, the English woman in the elevator at the hotel. lol. But as I told him, I harness the good days and then you never know when you're gonna need a favour from someone. I am just naturally friendly.

But when I am in the 25 zone - well...steer clear. I am not perfect. I can either be a really great person or a real first class bitch. I mean, bitch is an understatement. I had an incident with a co-worker in December - well a bunch of us did - but she quickly realised that while the others would simply tolerate her for the sake of peace, I have totally written her off. I would walk into the room and be totally smurfy with everyone else in that room and pass her like a full bus. I did not appreciate what she did and have no desire to play nice with her, whatsoever.

So, I am home all this weekend cause I am fiscally challenged, and also in the midst of PMS (elevated hormonal imbalance which results in the increasing depression). Not a good combination. I have switched off the cell phones and I am in shorts and bunny slippers - a clear indication of complete and total weekend lockdown and lockout. I left the house briefly half hour ago to go get the following

- laxatives (too much information???)
- ice cream
- doughnuts
- chocolate milk
- Vitamin E
- Motrin 800
- Panadol
- Hemarexin
- petrol

(comfort food)

The dude who rushed me to get into the gas station and was so pleased with his stupid ass that he had cut in front of me then broke down in front of me and they had to push his ole piece of shit car to the side so I could fill up. Who laughed then? That's where the 75 and the 25 collided.