The news and the world we know

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I try not to get too caught up in the daily news, mostly because it is all so ghastly and negative. But to isolate oneself from reality is folly. As a single woman, it is imperative that I arm myself with the knowledge of what is happening out there to other people. And the headline this morning was just another sad story. I am all too alarmed by the regularity of crimes like these now. It's funny when we joke about the Lifetime television type movies, but when the shit is real, it's not that hilarious.

It begs the question - who can one trust? You let someone into your home and into your life and they take your heart and just as easily they can take your life. The breakfast roundtable discussion this morning concluded that this is very regular among East Indians - this man killing woman then killing self phenomenon, and the headlines do indeed support this. But is it as simple as saying one won't date an East Indian man? I don't think so cause what is to stop some jealous, enraged, psycho, regardless of class, race, religion etc from breaking into a woman's home and slicing open her throat because as far as he is concerned - if he cannot have her, then noone else can.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about women who tried to rid themselves of these men for various reasons and then having to sacrifice their lives in order to finally accomplish this. So, does one bar onself from finding love and happiness in a relationship, for fear of ending up another victim? I think that would be just as silly as not reading the paper to spare oneself the pain of reality. At the moment one girlfriend is in very similar circumstances and I am very worried for her - we laugh it off during our chats but it is a very real scenario - one we both think about in our alone moments. So what do we do? You sometimes look for the signs that this person may be unwell or obsessive - but are those signs always there?

I find it incredibly hard to read the news cause in any situation laid out in black ink on the newsprint, it could very easily have been me or a member of my family or someone very close to me. This woman just went out to start her day like a normal person - her regular routine of jogging around the city. And then this. I read that article this morning and it made me so sad cause this man could have simply walked away and gone on with his life if he really wanted to. But he did not want to. He wanted to be the hunter and make her the prey until he caught her and killed her - robbing her family of a daughter and a sister and a friend - and robbing single women of optimism that maybe there is still good out there. And then killed himself - committing two acts of cowardice in one day and robbing her family of any form of real justice.

Dead-end

The entire weekend has been a disaster. I have been struggling with the depression and hopelessness for the entire time and it has been a pretty one-sided battle thus far. I am surrounded by life - lives going ahead and moving forward, but somehow I have almost given up on my own life. At least for now. I know that down the road I will read this and go, yeah...one of those days. But the emptiness today is swallowing me whole. The emotions are raw and out in the open, and the tears are many. I am exhausted from all this emotional purging, but better now, than tomorrow. I feel like I am in quicksand, struggling to get out, but only getting pulled under.

I think maybe I should just sit this one out today, and let whatever is to happen to me, happen, cause I am just sooooooo very tired of trying.

Fucked up

When Baldie told me this morning that he had been seeing someone, I told him I knew that already and he asked me how I knew. I mean, you have been incommunicado for weeks, totally out of touch. That told me everything I needed to know. I asked him if he thought I was an idiot and he said no. I left it at that. Does it feel any better knowing for sure? No. It feels worse. The day was already going down shit street but that was the last thing to veer me totally into the swamp pit. I felt so low all day. I walked aimlessly through the mall - got my eyebrows done, and they look perfect. But I just feel so incredibly alone. It has been the pervading feeling for a while now, but I felt it intensely today and sat on my bed and cried and cried until I decided to take a shower, apply some makeup, put on some clothes and go to the mall to face the world. But even amidst all the people and all the gnarly kids on vacation, I felt all alone.

Well, he wants to keep in touch and I said okay but I immediately deleted his phone numbers, his email addresses, the 400-odd emails we exchanged in the past few months, his IM info, all the photos of us on my pc, save one, cause I look really hot in it. We can just crop his ass out. Fuck him and his new girlfriend.

And she sits alone in her room trying not to cry and trying to understand why noone wants her.

Cinammon for the heart

I took a bite already...

I baked again last night. This time, cinammon twists. Well, I call them apple cinammon almond twists cause that's what I put in them. You can see the almond chunks. I wanted walnuts but the store had none. They are really yummy and went well with my apple for breakfast.

Feeling rather crummy today, so painted my nails, going to put on something cute and I am going to take myself out for the day, hopefully. I dunno if I can spend an entire day wandering around alone, but we will see. I hope it cheers me up.

unhappy heart

"A silent hug means a thousand words to an unhappy heart."

- unknown author

Pre-Valentine's angst

So when everyone else, is, on this bright Sunday morning, singing hymns and praising the Almighty in church, I am sitting listening to Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. Let's Get It On, Tamale? Yes. Let's Get It On. It's getting worse - this feeling.

I realised last night, as I lay down with cramps and nausea and a hot water bottle, that this dude I am allegedly seeing - or whatever it is we are doing - is a fucking waste of time. I mean, yes...you are away on business and I understand you're busy, but shit...would it kill you to send me a text asking if I am okay, or an email? WTF! I needed a belly rub and though he was not there physically, he was not there any other way either.

And there is a great line in the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" that goes -

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't
want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of
energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I
want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already
demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

So I started penning my Dear John letter in my mind last night. I mean, Edward gave up the kingdom for Wallis. You cannot give up 10 minutes??? Is romance really and truly dead? Not even romance but basic "into you"? Wow. I have just been "not into you'ed". How dramatic! I have been "not into you'ed" peeps. Well, two can play this game.

Dear Jackass

You clearly cannot give me what I need at this time. I am probably one of
the easiest girlfriends a guy could ever have. I am all about space and time
alone etc. I like my privacy and can appreciate a man who has a life outside of
nagging me every 5 minutes. But shit, I am also a woman and
sometimes...oh...just sometimes, I need a bit of attention. A bit of love and
care. Some concern. Some empathy on the rough days. A little support here and there.

I don't ask for much besides the knowledge that somewhere out there, there is some smitten fucker, missing me. Do you miss me? I highly doubt it cause you cannot even bring yourself to
call or email. How long has it been now? Where is the acknowledgement of my existence?
So this is my Dear John letter to you. What is worse is that you
are not even high up on the Tam-dar - not a Tamale type but again, silly beak
that I am, I decided to try something new. Give the below average dude a shot. Support a charity!
But guess what - cute or not stellar like yourself, you're all assholes! So I might as well look good in
public while getting my heart stomped upon, don't you think? And get some good sex too.

Keeping it real, friend.....Tamale