not a very zippidy doo dah day

Some days you feel a little broken, don't you? Some days you ask yourself, "what did I do wrong? will I ever be good enough? am I the only one who thinks I have potential? am I the only one holding myself back? is it just me? am I not supposed to succeed in at least one aspect of my life?"

Yep. Some days - some moments, you just feel a little bit broken and not so happy with the way things have turned out. But the world does not stop does it? No. It doesn't. No need feeling sorry for yourself but sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is what you want and sometimes it is easier. Sometimes it is easier to look at your friends and what they have accomplished and ask yourself what you did wrong or what decisions were the bad ones. The life plan did not turn out exactly as you had hoped - hell, it did not go anything like you had hoped. And sometimes you just feel rather sad about it and you feel like trying anymore is pointless but you know you're gonna keep trying cause you're a sucker and you know noone else is going to do it for you. Get up and get and keep on getting.

You feel like you have made some pretty lame choices - though they did not seem lame at the time, they seemed pretty fucking great but turned out to not bear the fruits you were expecting - the great fruits that would have taken your life in a different direction. Instead you sit maybe worse off than before, after a significant passage of time, and you ask, "what next? how else am I going to screw it up?"

It's not where you wanted to be or the person you expected to be and it's pretty frustrating. Tomorrow may be better but for right now, it's not okay.

I dunno why I am so stressed today. No rum...maybe that's it.

Pre-Valentine's angst

So when everyone else, is, on this bright Sunday morning, singing hymns and praising the Almighty in church, I am sitting listening to Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. Let's Get It On, Tamale? Yes. Let's Get It On. It's getting worse - this feeling.

I realised last night, as I lay down with cramps and nausea and a hot water bottle, that this dude I am allegedly seeing - or whatever it is we are doing - is a fucking waste of time. I mean, yes...you are away on business and I understand you're busy, but shit...would it kill you to send me a text asking if I am okay, or an email? WTF! I needed a belly rub and though he was not there physically, he was not there any other way either.

And there is a great line in the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" that goes -

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't
want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of
energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I
want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already
demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

So I started penning my Dear John letter in my mind last night. I mean, Edward gave up the kingdom for Wallis. You cannot give up 10 minutes??? Is romance really and truly dead? Not even romance but basic "into you"? Wow. I have just been "not into you'ed". How dramatic! I have been "not into you'ed" peeps. Well, two can play this game.

Dear Jackass

You clearly cannot give me what I need at this time. I am probably one of
the easiest girlfriends a guy could ever have. I am all about space and time
alone etc. I like my privacy and can appreciate a man who has a life outside of
nagging me every 5 minutes. But shit, I am also a woman and
sometimes...oh...just sometimes, I need a bit of attention. A bit of love and
care. Some concern. Some empathy on the rough days. A little support here and there.

I don't ask for much besides the knowledge that somewhere out there, there is some smitten fucker, missing me. Do you miss me? I highly doubt it cause you cannot even bring yourself to
call or email. How long has it been now? Where is the acknowledgement of my existence?
So this is my Dear John letter to you. What is worse is that you
are not even high up on the Tam-dar - not a Tamale type but again, silly beak
that I am, I decided to try something new. Give the below average dude a shot. Support a charity!
But guess what - cute or not stellar like yourself, you're all assholes! So I might as well look good in
public while getting my heart stomped upon, don't you think? And get some good sex too.

Keeping it real, friend.....Tamale