counting and counting and counting

Counting calories, that is.

So I am allegedly on a diet. And you're rolling your eyes and going, "Here she goes again". I am a yo-yo dieter, but the string on my yo-yo is really short. Let's face facts - food is fucking amazing. I love food. I just had a piece of macaroni pie and a brownie. Any guilt? Not much. But I am getting way too fat. Loneliness also plays a major role in this whole food thing. My relationship with food is the longest relationship I have ever had, bar that of the one I have with my parents. When I have a crap day, I treat myself to something nice to comfort me. When I have a good day, I treat myself to something nice to pat myself on the back. When I feel lonely, I turn to ice cream or cake or some junk - to make me feel less alone. When I go out with friends, I need a wing or two with my liquor.

Food...is...great!

But getting fat is not. I look horrendous. I really try to eat better but sometimes life happens. Working late, you eat anything you've got and though I buy fruit and keep it on my desk, fruit is not filling, so I end up buying some crap and having "dinner" in the car while driving at 120kph. But I aim to lose a few pounds and will let you know how it goes.

Fucked up

When Baldie told me this morning that he had been seeing someone, I told him I knew that already and he asked me how I knew. I mean, you have been incommunicado for weeks, totally out of touch. That told me everything I needed to know. I asked him if he thought I was an idiot and he said no. I left it at that. Does it feel any better knowing for sure? No. It feels worse. The day was already going down shit street but that was the last thing to veer me totally into the swamp pit. I felt so low all day. I walked aimlessly through the mall - got my eyebrows done, and they look perfect. But I just feel so incredibly alone. It has been the pervading feeling for a while now, but I felt it intensely today and sat on my bed and cried and cried until I decided to take a shower, apply some makeup, put on some clothes and go to the mall to face the world. But even amidst all the people and all the gnarly kids on vacation, I felt all alone.

Well, he wants to keep in touch and I said okay but I immediately deleted his phone numbers, his email addresses, the 400-odd emails we exchanged in the past few months, his IM info, all the photos of us on my pc, save one, cause I look really hot in it. We can just crop his ass out. Fuck him and his new girlfriend.

And she sits alone in her room trying not to cry and trying to understand why noone wants her.

Single often has no perks

I brought some work home this weekend. No, let me correct that. Work was SHOVED upon me as I was leaving the office on Friday, and just where I put it on Friday night, is just where you can find it on Monday morning. My long weekend is not about work. I always tell people, I would come in early or leave late but I will not take work out of the office with me. If this means I will never be the black, female Donald Trump then okay. One has to draw the line somewhere. Home is my place away from work and I refuse to bring work into my sanctuary or else I will have nothing.

I feel a little bit blah this morning cause I am a bit lonely, needy and just want some companionship. It would have been nice to take a drive somewhere today, take in a movie or get some lunch or something. Or rent a DVD and snuggle on the couch, either with me crying or laughing - I am an emotional movie watcher. Or cooking together - some spicy little dish, with a nice apple crumble for dessert cause I have some apples I need to use. Or just share the bed reading or sleeping.

Instead I have a 100-page report and a pen. I better open the bottle of white and console myself with the fact that I work so I can buy wine and numb the loneliness with copious amounts of it.

unhappy heart

"A silent hug means a thousand words to an unhappy heart."

- unknown author

Very un-Tamale like behaviour

Name: Tamale

Job: Job hunter/interview specialist/job hooker

Age: Too old for knee highs in public, Old enough for knee highs in the bedroom

Status: Stressed, unfulfilled spinster

Net worth: Priceless - I may not have it all the way I want it, but I still, 98% of the time, think I am the cat's meow

Yesterday, the guy who interviewed me on Monday, called me to tell me I was brilliant and I would hear from them soon. Today, the woman who interviewed me called my referee as soon as I walked out the door, and told her I was brilliant. So I guess I am brilliant but where is this brilliance taking me? Clearly not where I wanna go, but this entry is not about the potential not being achieved.

Likes: Chocolates, roses, movie nights, small, furry dogs, dinners, jewellry, cuddles, laughter, cursing idiots

Dislikes: idiots, PDAs, cats, cheap men

I have for years been on the fuck-Valentine's train and I still think it is overdone, overrated, overcommercialised, overbearing and I am so over it. But this year, when all I seem to be doing is prostituting myself to the highest bidder - the one with the best medical plan, best salary, best work/life balance (the woman today told me she had to leave her honeymoon early to get back to work and she was okay with this?. does that sound like a job anyone would want???) - I really want a Valentine. Yes. I said it. I said it! I frickin' want a Valentine this year. The loneliness has been overwhelming lately, in case you have not noticed, and I feel very weak and needy, like a brat. It's all the real world shit messing with my Xena-like strength and wrestling for my attentions, which has thrown me into a tailspin of frustration and boredom. I don't want real world right now. I want gooey goodness and kissies and huggies and a big dutty basket of flowers or chocolates and someone, besides myself, to tell me I am special. Someone to surprise me with something cute. Someone to call me and tell me I am awesome. Oh dammit...I don't want to have to kill frickin' Cupid again.

But, things look very grim especially after my Dear John letter earlier this week. I did not actually send it but that is where my mind is at and I have been sticking his voodoo doll, dunking its head in the toilet, and setting its puny penis on fire. Is it that men are just cheap that they start acting up around my birthday, Christmas and Valentine's cause somehow my "relationships" always hit a snag just before any of these events and I never feel the love. Or is it me? My God. It could be me!

Anyway, in the event none of the above happens and I am left to my own devices as usual, I have a Plan B, so don't cry for me. Cry for a hungry child somewhere. Cry for the abused, the sick, the destitute. Not for the lonely Third World spinster in front of her tv with a box of chocolates she ultimately will buy herself.

But Cupid better not play the ass with me this year! Or else...

Pre-Valentine's angst

So when everyone else, is, on this bright Sunday morning, singing hymns and praising the Almighty in church, I am sitting listening to Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. Let's Get It On, Tamale? Yes. Let's Get It On. It's getting worse - this feeling.

I realised last night, as I lay down with cramps and nausea and a hot water bottle, that this dude I am allegedly seeing - or whatever it is we are doing - is a fucking waste of time. I mean, yes...you are away on business and I understand you're busy, but shit...would it kill you to send me a text asking if I am okay, or an email? WTF! I needed a belly rub and though he was not there physically, he was not there any other way either.

And there is a great line in the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" that goes -

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't
want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of
energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I
want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already
demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

So I started penning my Dear John letter in my mind last night. I mean, Edward gave up the kingdom for Wallis. You cannot give up 10 minutes??? Is romance really and truly dead? Not even romance but basic "into you"? Wow. I have just been "not into you'ed". How dramatic! I have been "not into you'ed" peeps. Well, two can play this game.

Dear Jackass

You clearly cannot give me what I need at this time. I am probably one of
the easiest girlfriends a guy could ever have. I am all about space and time
alone etc. I like my privacy and can appreciate a man who has a life outside of
nagging me every 5 minutes. But shit, I am also a woman and
sometimes...oh...just sometimes, I need a bit of attention. A bit of love and
care. Some concern. Some empathy on the rough days. A little support here and there.

I don't ask for much besides the knowledge that somewhere out there, there is some smitten fucker, missing me. Do you miss me? I highly doubt it cause you cannot even bring yourself to
call or email. How long has it been now? Where is the acknowledgement of my existence?
So this is my Dear John letter to you. What is worse is that you
are not even high up on the Tam-dar - not a Tamale type but again, silly beak
that I am, I decided to try something new. Give the below average dude a shot. Support a charity!
But guess what - cute or not stellar like yourself, you're all assholes! So I might as well look good in
public while getting my heart stomped upon, don't you think? And get some good sex too.

Keeping it real, friend.....Tamale

When an IM convo becomes a blog entry

I thought this aptly summed up part of how I am feeling at the moment. My favourite Tamale-ism in this convo is the bit about the tv on a Friday night - I have highlighted here for easy identification. I think I may use that as my quote for the month. I applaud anyone who reads the entire thing, but would recommend it anyway - esp if you need a laugh. But what I love about Snoggy is he never ever lets me take myself too seriously or I may be THAT girl.

Tamale says: I have noone to talk to
Snoggy says: yes you do
Tamale says: no..I don't
Snoggy says: yesssssss youuuuuu doooooooooo
Snoggy says: what about me ?
Tamale says: I do have you...but you're fed up with me
Tamale says: lol
Snoggy says: you're talking to me right now
Snoggy says: as we speak
Tamale says: and I don't have you all the time..."other town" girl has you
Snoggy says:lol
Snoggy says: yes but you can share
Tamale says: but it proves my point
Tamale says: I am the last single person on earth, you cannot deny it
Snoggy says: yes baby its true
Snoggy says: everyone paired up and there was one person left over
Snoggy says: and it was you !!!
Tamale says: exactly
Snoggy says: you are the only single person in the whole world
Tamale says: it's true
Tamale says: when all the lights are out on a Friday night cause couples are out hanging out, my tv is on...the lone light in all the big dark world
Snoggy says:wow
Snoggy says: you are singly handedly propping up all the TV stations
Tamale says: amazing isn't it?
Snoggy says: yes it is
Snoggy says: they should make a TV program about you
Tamale says: they made a movie about me
Tamale says: it's called Bridget Jones' Diary
Tamale says: about a fat, lonely, unwanted spinster
Tamale says: only thing is...to make for good cinema they had 2 guys fighting for her and stuff
Tamale says: 2 hot guys
Tamale says: that was the fictionalised part. they took creative licence with my life there...for box office reviews
Snoggy says: lol
Snoggy says: that was a good movie
Snoggy says: i liked that movie

Snoggy says: it could happen !
Tamale says: yeah...right
Snoggy says: it could
Snoggy says: stranger things have happened
Tamale says: Bush may marry a black stripper before that happens
Snoggy says: hmmm true
Snoggy says: but you never know
Snoggy says: he could marry a black stripper
Tamale says: yeah...it could
Tamale says: but he would still marry her before 2 hot guys fight over me
Snoggy says: nah
Snoggy says: i think 2 hot guys fighting over you is more likely

The saga continues...