I just had to say something about this

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.
The Snuggie™ keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!
Snuggie™ is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth.

Lord. No offence to anyone eh, but Americans will buy any ole shit they sell on the tv.

I mean, look at that asshole modelling the Snuggie in the inset photo. WTF! What a backside! Yep. Some idiot, who maybe got tired of wankin' under the sheets, put sleeves on a frickin' blanket and that idiot will make millions. Stupid me - went to university, studied hard, made the Dean's list every year, graduated with Honours, looking to get the Masters degree too, cause my teachers and parents told me tertiary education was the way to go.When all I ever really needed to make something of my life, was a blanket, some scissors and a sewing machine. And a stupid name for the final product. Wow. I wasted 3 years of my life going to school and 3 years of finances paying back my student loan when I should have been home making a fucking Snuggie. Not even prostitutin' - which is still WORK. Not even that. No...sewing sleeves on a blanket. My God!

Seeing this made me want to get drunk and drive my car off a precipice.

About emotions

I'm still at home and on my way to the village - one last time. A colleague remarked yesterday that I don't seem worried about impending unemployment, and it's either I am not worried or I hide my feelings very well.

I don't think I hide my feelings well at all. You can usually tell what I am feeling. If I am annoyed, you can tell. If I am depressed, you can tell. If I am worried, you can tell. I have been writing here about how I have been feeling day to day about the job thing but I am more positive than worried cause faith is a powerful thing and I have to rely on God first and myself second to rally through the tough times.

And speaking of annoyed, I still have my online dating profile and when I need a laugh I mosey on over there. So first there was a dude named Gerry who sent me a wink or whatever it is. The only problem with Gerry is he was wearing a dress, makeup, a wig, high heeled boots and dangly earrings. Called himself "Kim" in the profile. Wow. I have reached wherever it is I am supposed to be going if I am picking up transvestites online. lol.

Then there was another dude - cannot remember his name, oh and this is where the "annoyed" segue comes in. Sorry for the digression up there. So he sends me a note and I go to check out his profile and in his profile he says, "Oh, and if you one of those persons who get angry at other drivers while driving, then maybe I am not for you,"

WTF! What a Jesus wannabe. I laughed at that one cause 1) I am the road rage queen and of all the thousands and thousands of profiles out there, he picked mine, and 2)so he won't date a road rager? What does road rage have to do with anything? I won't beat an innocent waiter while on a date. I won't curse out a priest. I won't slap bad kids. I won't even respond to rude cat calls. But I will fuck over the asshole who cuts in front of me without using his indicator, or who tries to run me off the road, or who drives 10kph on the highway when everyone else is doing 120kph.(legal limit is 80kph...lol)

Oh yes, friend, road rage is a natural reaction to vehicular stupidity and I don't get the self-righteous "maybe I am not for you" shit. I challenge this asshole to come drive in Trinidad for ONE day and then tell me if I am not for you. lol. Why do they have to make an already tedious process like dating, such a mission impossible???

And a little aggression, when channelled appropriately is sexxxxxxxxy. Grrrrrrrr. He has not had good post-road rage sex...clearly.

Tamale's commentary on the news

Okay, so besides oh...several million pounds, can someone please explain why any woman would want to fuck Paul McCartney? Not young, cute, bowl haircut Paul, but old, face-like-wet-dough, probably-needs-Viagara Paul. My God. Is it just because he is a Beatle? I love love love the Beatles but I still would not wanna screw Paul McCartney. Being a Beatle can only take you that far. I would liken that to I dunno...a cross between gouging my eyes out, walking on eggshells and listening to my MPs in Parliament. I mean, proper sex with Sir Paul would not kill him??? I mean I love me some winter men but not along the sad lines of a Paul McCartney. Some hot lads of yesteryear just have not aged well by the way, e.g. Clint Eastwood. Man, I loved me some Clint Eastwood. That hot hair, those blue eyes. He was a stunner back in the day of his B-movie/western days. Now, I would not fuck Clint "Gran Torino" Eastwood if you paid me.

But maybe this is why I am fat and broke at home in the developing world. I just cannot suck it up. Cause it comes back to the almighty wicked dollar, or pound in this case. And did Sir Paul not learn that young punani can cost you upwards of 50million pounds in the divorce settlement? In the next 5 years when he and this new chick get divorced, and they will....don't ask me to feel sorry for Paul "Stud" McCartney, okay. Don't. What's wrong with the old birds, Paul?

Being the last spinster in a recession

I had my gums gouged out today. I have not had a cleaning in...well, it's a bit embarassing how long it has been, but let's just say, my gums hurt now from my carelessness. My regular dentist was not available but the new, young dentist was just as nice. As nice as a dude with sharp instruments digging into the crap between one'e teeth can be. Remember to floss everyone! Floss floss floss!

Peta called today to see how I was doing (ignore the first line of yesterday's IM convo below...lol). Peta and I are more or less in the same boat - heading to uncertainty on the MV Dunno. The difference between us is that she has someone to come home to and cry about it when it gets too much. Someone to make her lumpy oatmeal or share a Haagen Daaz with. And she got it.

Peta: I dunno, Tamale. I am glad he is here. Him being here for me makes all this stress right now so much more bearable.

Finally - someone who gets it. It's not like I am complaining but when everything is tumbling around you, it's nice to have someone to just be in your corner, to be there with you. She said she is glad that she has that person or it would have been that much harder. Sure I have been reading shit like The Secret and reminding myself that I am awesome and this is the turning point yadda yadda. But sometimes you're just human and sometimes you start to doubt and fret and cry and at the end of the day - coming home to an empty house in the face of this chaos, is not always such a fantastic thing. Sitting alone on that dark Friday night, with all these ifs, whens and maybes in one's head, can sometimes send one over the edge. Sometimes it makes it all worse.

So when a certain bald dude indulged me last night in a conversation about anything and everything (besides job hunting, bills, wedding plans and babies) for 5 hours last night, and just was in my corner, well...it did not seem so bleak and for 5 hours, I forgot about tomorrow.

When an IM convo becomes a blog entry

I thought this aptly summed up part of how I am feeling at the moment. My favourite Tamale-ism in this convo is the bit about the tv on a Friday night - I have highlighted here for easy identification. I think I may use that as my quote for the month. I applaud anyone who reads the entire thing, but would recommend it anyway - esp if you need a laugh. But what I love about Snoggy is he never ever lets me take myself too seriously or I may be THAT girl.

Tamale says: I have noone to talk to
Snoggy says: yes you do
Tamale says: no..I don't
Snoggy says: yesssssss youuuuuu doooooooooo
Snoggy says: what about me ?
Tamale says: I do have you...but you're fed up with me
Tamale says: lol
Snoggy says: you're talking to me right now
Snoggy says: as we speak
Tamale says: and I don't have you all the time..."other town" girl has you
Snoggy says:lol
Snoggy says: yes but you can share
Tamale says: but it proves my point
Tamale says: I am the last single person on earth, you cannot deny it
Snoggy says: yes baby its true
Snoggy says: everyone paired up and there was one person left over
Snoggy says: and it was you !!!
Tamale says: exactly
Snoggy says: you are the only single person in the whole world
Tamale says: it's true
Tamale says: when all the lights are out on a Friday night cause couples are out hanging out, my tv is on...the lone light in all the big dark world
Snoggy says:wow
Snoggy says: you are singly handedly propping up all the TV stations
Tamale says: amazing isn't it?
Snoggy says: yes it is
Snoggy says: they should make a TV program about you
Tamale says: they made a movie about me
Tamale says: it's called Bridget Jones' Diary
Tamale says: about a fat, lonely, unwanted spinster
Tamale says: only thing is...to make for good cinema they had 2 guys fighting for her and stuff
Tamale says: 2 hot guys
Tamale says: that was the fictionalised part. they took creative licence with my life there...for box office reviews
Snoggy says: lol
Snoggy says: that was a good movie
Snoggy says: i liked that movie

Snoggy says: it could happen !
Tamale says: yeah...right
Snoggy says: it could
Snoggy says: stranger things have happened
Tamale says: Bush may marry a black stripper before that happens
Snoggy says: hmmm true
Snoggy says: but you never know
Snoggy says: he could marry a black stripper
Tamale says: yeah...it could
Tamale says: but he would still marry her before 2 hot guys fight over me
Snoggy says: nah
Snoggy says: i think 2 hot guys fighting over you is more likely

The saga continues...

Just an entry involving chicken

Well, another weekend at home. I have become frickin' Martha Stewart this month - January always being a tough month since a) we get paid early in December cause of the holidays (bad idea) b)belt tightening cause of downturn and c) impending joblessness.

So I am home again. I have already done laundry, vacuumed. I have a package of ugly raw chicken to cut and season and then cook. And normally I would buy my chicken and meat pre-cut, pre-seasoned but I had a voucher for the store that had only has jumbo packs of chicken parts - gross and unseasoned. But trust me, I would always pay the extra for the pre-cut and pre-seasoned chicken, cause I am not a fan of molesting dead chicken. Fuck the recession!

Going to sit on the couch now and think of different ways to cook this chicken. Wow....exciting. Later, will watch some tv, maybe read, maybe nap. Yep. Happy times, friends. Happy times. Will think of something interesting and thought provoking to post later.

The wicked Jesus/smurf combo

There are some people you should generally stay away from, when you get the flashing red light signal. Among them are

1. Those people who say "I am the nicest person you would ever hope to meet" and

2. Those people who swear their lives totally and utterly revolve around Jesus

Now I know this may stir some controversy, but in MY experience, these people have been the most deceitful cause you don't expect them to be, but you should really have not expected them to NOT be either.

Now I am not perfect and never claimed to be. What you see is usually what you get. I am quite nice, when I want to be, and with my friends and some family (lol), quite a gem. But I am not 100% nice. I am irritable and vile at times and quite intolerant of dotish people. I love Jesus but I don't go around preaching and being self-righteous - as if sin has never entered my life. What you see here, is usually what you get.

My boss is a wicked combo of the two. She made a comment yesterday at a meeting, which was so vile and insensitive towards me - sitting right in front of her - that I totally just shut her out for the rest of the day. I went over and hung out with the guys and related the comment to them, much to their disgust. This morning one of them came in and walked straight to my desk and told me he thought about what she had said all night and not only did it bother him, to know that it was directed to a friend, but also bothered him as an employee - to know that a manager could be so consciously insensitive.

My team-mate was also rather disturbed by it and raised it with the lady immediately after the comment was made, hoping it was a slip of the tongue, to which the lady responded - "Yes, I know what I said." She was hastily brushed off.

Today she (boss lady) had cause to retreat to her office - upset - stating that some people in the company were so unfeeling and so insensitive and this is one of the reasons the turnover is so high. How she is the "nicest person you can ever meet" and always has everyone's best interests at heart yet someone could be so unfeeling towards her.

Yep. Today when HER boss treated her the same way she treated me yesterday and she sought comfort from my team-mate, who reminded her of the comment she had made the day before. Only then, when faced with the reflection of her own words and actions did she ask, "It sounded so bad?" Only then did she summon me to her office to "free her heart" as she put it, and lie, saying it was a slip when I already knew it was said consciously, and ask for my forgiveness. And it was an apology so devoid of sincerity that I just inwardly sucked my teeth. Saying "no problem" is easy but I can never forget how the goodly Christian lady upset me and other people with her lack of tact and utter insensitivity.

I am not sad to be leaving the place. I am anxious about money and bills and being without meaningful activity for an extended period of time. But not sad about leaving some of that bullshit behind. I will miss the great people I have come to really like there but not the ones who claim they love Jesus when they don't live the way Jesus asks that we live. The ones whose hearts are supposedly so pure and big. Yeah...right. My girlfriend always used to say before she too left for greener pastures, that when she became a manager, her experiences with the lady would have taught her what NOT to be. I concur.

Supermarket Chronicles

Hundreds of people around the world are doing it - blogging about this day in history and about Obama and change coming to America. Don't be too disappointed, but I am not. I think everyone else has said it. What else is there to say about Barack and Michelle and Malia and Sasha? What I will in fact say though, is "hurray Obama" - cause everyone either stayed at home or late at the office to watch the coverage and there was zero traffic and I was home by 4pm! Isn't that fantastic? I will also say Michelle was rockin' that green outfit and I am excited to see if she becomes the first First Lady in a while to rock the inauguration ball in something stylish. The girls looked nice too. They are a very handsome family.

Anyway, back to life in the developing world. So last Saturday I sat down with some truffles and watched one of my favourite movies, Ladder 49. Now the scene which sprung to mind this afternoon was the supermarket scene, where Joaquin Phoenix's character and Jacinda Barrett's meet in the produce aisle (it's always the produce aisle, ain't it?). Meeting a man or woman always seems to happen in a supermarket and here I was, with my little basket with my Cheerios, low fat cheese and some other essentials IN THE SUPERMARKET. A-ha! Would it happen for me?

Well...

Fresh off a weight loss compliment...

Uncle: You slimming?

Tamale: You find so?

Uncle: Yeah man...you look good.

Tamale: And I have been eating non-stop the past 2 weeks.

Uncle: Does not look so

Tamale: Wow. Maybe this is the answer - to eat like a pig.

...and with that swagger, I moseyed on over to the frozen section to get some french fries. As I walked towards the egg section, I spotted not one, but two awesome looking specimens and the first thought was "Oh God. Are they gay?" cause they were shopping together. Nevertheless, I pulled my frame up, pushed the chest out, no need to push the ass out - it is made that way, and worked those heels and those hips. Ay ay...nutten. Not even a glance. WTF! I saw them again at the ice cream freezer, and again...nothing. And one last time at the cashier. This time I got a smile but that was it. And I know I was looking ON today. I was on the phone with a friend and told her of the crisis and realised, this was yet another one of those important life lessons.

So the lessons learnt today -

1. It HAS to be the produce aisle with tomatoes and other breast-like objects or else don't bother

2. Follow your gut instinct always
3. Two men shopping together are clearly gay

4. The movies are all lies!
5. Always buy whole wheat/grain pita pockets in bulk when you see them cause they go quickly

6. Maybe a hardware might be the next attempt.

Hairy bits

Today sucked. Like seriously...it was bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. I guess I took the funk with me and it stayed with me all day cause today was not a good day. At all.

So GB sent out the wedding invitations. It's really happening. My friend is about to leave me. Oh sure, he is starting a new life etc, and that's great but this is MY pity party so I repeat - my best friend is about to leave me. At least I have notice and can start looking for a cute dress and a date. Oh God...I refiuse to do this wedding solo. Nope. I need an escort.

Then my cousin is coming to visit. I am always happy when rellies visit, but more so this time cause I am hoping Adonis comes with him. He (cousin) emails me this morning to tell me he has not confirmed the dates yet. I was not sure how to broach the question of whether Adonis would be coming or not since my cousin treats me like a little sister and is protective of me, even if Adonis is the sweetest thing. He suspects but I don't think he knows for sure, so don't want to rock the boat just yet.

Anyway, he volunteered the information and much to my dismay, not only is it NOT Adonis but it's his other annoying friend who apparently has had a thing for me for years now. He is a nice guy but he is no Adonis. One thing I really don't care for about him - and you are sure to laugh (lol)...

He shaves his armpits. I dunno...I don't want a man with a rainforest under there but something about a man with shaved armpits drives me bananas. It is somehow unseemly and a bit too metrosexual for my liking. And it makes me wonder what else he's shaving. lol.

Okay...okay. I would not diss a man for having underarms smooth as a baby's bottom but c'mon...men are expected to have a little fuzz.

No...seriously though. He is not my type, apart from the smooth armpits. A bit clingy and annoying. And he is so unreliable and deceitful. My God! Why does HE have to come? Why not Adonis?

I guess if I can only have one wish and had to choose between a new job (soon) and Adonis, I would choose employment but a bonus wish would be great.

shoulda...woulda...coulda

I should be in the shower, getting ready to go to work, but then I ask, "what's the fucking point?" It's not like I am working towards something. Not even going to the gym this morning despite a weekend of sloth and culinary bingeing. I don't want to see anyone there or talk to anyone or have anyone ask me stupid questions like "what you gonna do now?"

So I ask again, "what's the point?" Sigh. Off to the shower.

Cross cultural communication

Well, as you can see, I got my old profile photo back, thanks to Doug and I think my new journal is complete. Yaaaay!

Not much happening today. Got some rellies coming over. Rellies. I pick up a lot of quirky phrases and words from my Kiwi friend and they come in handy when I feel too lazy to type the proper word. But the best one he has offered thus far is rodgering. lol.

Tamale: So if I went out and slept with someone tomorrow, you would not be jealous?

Kiwi: No. Not at all. You deserve and need a good rodgerin'

So I asked him if I used the term around an Aussie if they would be indifferent or aghast, i.e. whether the term is not limited to New Zealand but used by those in Oz as well. He said he would most likely be aghast, based on how and where I use it. My idle mind started churning. I told him I would use the term loosely in conversation with co-workers this week, maybe in a meeting, ensuring that one of the Aussies was nearby - just to see a reaction.

I have already used wankin' in conversation...

Tamale: Brian is late again. He is probably home wankin' away

... just to see one of the proper English manager's eyes open like 2 saucers at the breakfast table as he was drinking some Earl Grey. Very amusing. I had a good chuckle over that one. Probably thinks I am some sort of miscreant.

Co-workers: Oh, we will miss that Tamale.

Life change

I have wanted to be thin, pretty, popular, more outgoing. But one thing I have never aspired to is being unemployed. To explain - my current job situation is this - I was a fixed term employee and my fixed term which had been extended after the first expiration, has now finally come to a natural end. With the downturn and especially in the industry in which I work, I anticipated a non-renewal. But yesterday I got it in writing and when you see it in writing, any fleeting hopes and thoughts of maybe there is a chance, are dashed forever. I left the office feeling as though I would cry and I think I even tried to cry, but I did not cry. But I felt sad and anxious and everything I said I would not feel - I said I would leave it in the hands of God and do my part by sending stuff out and networking and calling people. So it is a daily struggle with these feelings. I have been here before but the timing is so gloomy - with all the news talking about unemployment and cut backs etc.

So I am one of those people in the long lines waiting to see what happens next. I am THAT girl.

I went out with my girlfriends last night and had fun. It's the same thing everywhere. One friend is job hunting with no present job to soften the blow like me (well, I have one more month of the cushion). One is on a "me break" while she decides what she is going to do when she gets back home. One is anticipating HR to walk in one morning with a voluntary separation package. We had a toast to our present state of job uncertainty.

So I am home today - just vegging. Don't want to think about anything right now but keeping the half-full glass in front of me as opposed to the half-empty one. I still have it a lot better than a lot of people - I have my health and no family crises and if push comes to shove, I live at home - no mortgage payments, my car is almost paid for, and my mother will feed me. I just won't be travelling, gymming, shopping, or getting Haagen Daaz. But I am 100% positive it won't come to that - there will always be Haagen Daaz, and there will be trips and adventures and gyms and shoes, and and there will be a job to pay for it all. lol. I am really sticking to my affirmations and reiterating that positivity breeds positivity and attracts positivity. But you really have to work on it.

I have great hopes for this life change of mine. My spirit is strong and glorious and I will be blogging about my good news soon.

End of day II

Well, today was one of those up and down days, that ended on a low, rather than on a high. I looked through my phone contacts for someone to call as I sat in traffic, with all that tired life around me, but there was noone. Noone who would listen or rather noone I thought would listen.

But such is life, right? Such is life. Wish I had more to say today, though I will end on a positive note and keep the "half full glass" thing going - it rains every evening these days - from around 6pm and all through the night. Great weather for napping under the blanket. Great weather for blocking out the real life issues. Great weather for little Tamale fantasies with certain Tamale admirer. :-)

About the recession - the MAN recession

I had a meeting this morning and afterwards, as we sat on the terrace eating hors d'oeuvres, we started chatting. Us girls that is. And Karla tells me her resolution for 2009 is to quite simply - GET A MAN!

...to which 2 other girls chimed in - YEAH GIRL. mmmmhmmm.

So okay, I need reminding sometimes that I am not actually the last spinster on earth, as much as I may want to believe that I am. I mean, I am not telling random women that my year's mission is to get a man, while eating kebabs. However, I am part of an apparently sizeable group of women - independent, attractive, successful women - who cannot get some regular ass and lovin' and affection.

So what do we do about this?

These days, nothing. I am not so obsessively caught up in this "find a man" adventure. Finding a job to pay the bills and regaining some motivation to lose weight and not eat everything in sight are real priorities for me right now. I mean, we can go on and on about the job bit, but until I actually get a job, it is pretty banal stuff - me talking about my frustrations and anxiety. And in any event, let's remember - Tamale is leaving the job to Jesus!

The eating bit seems to be a bit of a crisis though and I am not sure what prompted it. I have been eating A LOT and it is a tad bit worrying. Maybe I am thinking, "wide hips are the least of my problems when I am penniless and jobless" or maybe I am thinking "well, with the recession when I cannot afford to buy food, it will drop right off so I might as well eat while I can now". Whatever it is, my eating is bordering on fucking ridiculous. I'm hungry now actually and want chips. No chips. The recession has already started affecting my snack haul.

So as we wind our way back to the point at hand, the man recession. Yep. I was saying I am too preoccupied with other things to let this man thing become a Top 5 issue. I got some sex the other day - was not GREAT sex - but it sort of quelled a hunger. Sort of. So I am okay. I also decided that this year, I am going to learn to swim. Yes. I live on an island and cannot swim. But I have plans to apply for that job to laze around on an island all day and blog about it and I need to learn to swim. lol. Plus, it's good exercise though I am a tad bit concerned about the ravaging effects of chlorine on my already ravaged hair. Not to mention my fat ass in a swimsuit in a full pool of young teenagers with pancake flat abs. I also need to save, learn to Latin dance a la Dancing with the Stars and brush up on my French.

So again, you clearly can see the thoughts that proliferate my mind these days - the reason I am not obsessed over the man crisis that everyone else seems to be hot and scattered about.

But sometimes I think, it would be nice to get one of my own.

End of day

So there is the new JS and I managed to get the handle, "tamale" back in its pure, un-expletive form but the place seems so clinical. Plus I think I have invested time and energy in my mere 6 or 7 posts here thus far and don't feel like going over the whole starting over process again.

What I don't like about this site is I cannot make entries faves only and it's not as easy to make the blog fave-only either - I don't quite like the permissions process of getting people's email addresses and stuff. We'll see.

Today was not too bad. I mean, I did not freak out or get caught up in doom and gloom scenarios about my life in the next few weeks. I worked arduously on applications of all kinds and went to meetings and site visits and was actually nice to the new girl. I think she appreciated my niceness today and I think I will try to improve upon it everyday. I was actually nice to everyone today. I don't think I rolled my eyes once behind anyone's back. I was doing the whole "positive energy" shit today.

Still it would be nice to come home to someone who would lend some support - nothing complicated. Maybe a cuddle and planning a cosy evening on the couch watching a DVD and eating ice cream. Not being passed over for a Playstation, Wii or a new Bose speaker system. I mean, how can men just pass over soft, warm woman flesh for clinical wires and hardware and be certified normal and sane?

Lost in transmission

On Saturday night, I sat on my couch and looked at the re-run of the new Bachelor reality show on ABC. I watch the show sporadically - depending on who the bachelor is and I had watched the entire seasons with Brad Womack and Matthew Grant. So I remember Deanna and I watched a bit of her turn as the Bachelorette and when she dumped Jason for the ski/snow board dude. Bad move, Deanna.

Anyway, Jason is hot and so I will be watching this season. Plus all my other shows seem to be jumping the shark so might as well. Desperate Housewives was so boring last night. My God!

In any event, they need to have a Trini Bachelor - with some lil rough neck Trini hood rats and some stuck-upWestmoorings bitches. I am always amused while watching shows like these, cause I always imagine how a Trini woman would handle certain situations. Like yesterday, there was a movie on Lifetime about a woman who found out her recently deceased husband had another wife. So she goes to Ireland and meets this woman who knew the nasty man had a wife and a child but married him anyway and bore him 2 more kids. And homewrecker wife is talking to the first wife with a kinda attitude I could not understand, dread. Talking to wifey like she is some kinda boss, and as if she had the pussy to end all pussies. I mean, I know it's tv and all but I find Wife #1 was real calm and accomodating with this homewrecking heifer, cause if that was me, I woulda done scramble that bitch by her hair and drop 2 kick in her ass.

But tv - I get lost in some of these shows. I am what you call an emotional watcher. I get vex with you, I laugh with you and I cry with you. The crying part is always embarassing - not too bad when you're home alone but when you're with other people and you're leaning your head back so that the first delinquent tear does not come down - yeah, a bit embarassing. Marley and Me - it keeps coming back to haunt me. lol.

So anyway, I always watch The Bachelor and feel sad and a bit envious - even though it is crap scripted pseudo-reality, but it's a show about falling in love and which girl does not want to fall in love? And when the love pickings in my crap unscripted reality seem really slim, and hopes for falling in love seem so distant, well...let's just say I live vicariously through some of these dumb hussies who have nothing better to do but go on tv and make assholes of themselves.

I challenge you to help my love life

I sent a friend an email yesterday, asking him about his recent holiday in Jamaica and jokingly asked whether he had hooked up with any of the ladies there. His response, this morning - "yep...I did."

I mean, is this some kinda personal crisis that everyone and their mama can meet someone and I cannot? Maybe I am not putting myself in the right places to meet the right people - like maybe Hawaii was a poor man-picker-upper choice of vacation/birthday spot cause there was nothing worth my time - or maybe I am still just too selective. People make selective seem like such a bad thing. Okay, tell me...let's look at my current man basket and you tell me if I am being selective.

Tamale's Man Basket - I am looking at the main players, and not the passersby. I have indicated how we met and a bit about the man.

Bomb - Met through work. 40-something, not young nor hard bodied, handsome though, separated from the missus, too busy for the average Tamale, too rakish and flirtatious for the average Tamale. Very Rhett Butler-esque. Has a bit of a bad boy quality to him - though he is more like a bad child who likes mischief. Non-committal, especially dealing with newfound freedom from a bad marriage. With a wife in the past and kids, the man has some baggage.

Adonis - Met on vacation. 30-something. BO-DEE for days. He has some awesome awesome specs - great ass, great abs, great pecs, great arms, great legs, great piggy. He is a specimen of physical perfection. Handsome too. Very smitten and adores the Tamale very very much. Very kind and loving. Great sex. Typical male issues like cannot properly communicate his emotions. Lives miles and miles away in London. Single but has 3 kids. 3 Kids = a farm. Farm = baggage. lol.

The newcomers - former colleagues we will call Burt (lol) and buddy we will call Ace.

Burt - Met through work. 40-something. No hard body unless you mean the hard pot belly. Great happy hour buddy. Great limer. No attraction to him though - not in that physical sense. Not the sexy kinda ole man I like. Some men are old but sexy, like bomb, even with a full head of greying hair, even if the body eh all there, but there is an aura. Burt has an aura I am sure, but his aura does not attract me. Kid somewhere out there in the world. Kid out there = baby mama somewhere.

Ace - Met online. Yes...you read it right. Online. lol. 30-something. Again, the body is just not there. Hairy beyond belief, except where it matters most. On his head. I must admit, I am a McDreamy kinda hair girl. I love a man with some hair. When you're doing naughty things, you wanna run your fingers through some hair. Or just play with some hair while watching tv. You don't want to apply sun tan lotion to the spot where there used to be hair. lol. Very laid back, very sweet, kind, thoughtful, affectionate. Husband material I think. No kids. Never been married so no family type baggage. The sex - well...there's a deal breaker right there. This is something that may need to be explored again in the future - to make sure. But a lifetime of bad sex is not something I am willing to accept to beat loneliness.

So friends, what do you think? Overly picky? Only Burt actually lives here but I am willing to relocate for my man, but are any of these men worth it? So far...not too sure.

Meandering thoughts that are put into meandering words

You're gonna get a lot of up and down here. I told myself I would write only when I felt good and happy and smurfy but then that would be a misrepresentation of my life. To be honest, as I said before, with my affirmations, I am about 75-25 - more up than down. I am making a concerted effort to not be THAT girl - the bitter, depressed girl, but rather the girl who appreciates life and its blessings. The downs have been fleeting but they exist. I am not at the critical point yet where I feel my life totally slipping away from me, and that means there is still time for salvaging from 2008's missteps. I am moving forward and leaving all that behind but it still manifests itself every now and then.

Some people may be content with being mediocre but I cannot accept anything less than great for myself. It's a constant struggle to love myself as I am.

I have to keep the radio on to keep smiling today cause the feeling is creeping up on me and it's bad. It's up to Machel and Patrice and the rest of the soca world to keep me from crying today.

When I'm up though, I'm really up. My British friend remarked while he was here that he had never met anyone as friendly and outgoing as I am. We would go out and I would make conversation with everyone we met. He thought it quite remarkable and I guess being British, he is really not used to it cause he commented on it each and every time I did it. But we went to dinner and by the end of the night I knew not only the waitress' name but where she lived, how many kids she had, the host's name, the name of the couples next to us and the fact that it was their first New Year's eve together in 15 years. I became friends with the dudes on the beach, the bartender at the other little place, the English woman in the elevator at the hotel. lol. But as I told him, I harness the good days and then you never know when you're gonna need a favour from someone. I am just naturally friendly.

But when I am in the 25 zone - well...steer clear. I am not perfect. I can either be a really great person or a real first class bitch. I mean, bitch is an understatement. I had an incident with a co-worker in December - well a bunch of us did - but she quickly realised that while the others would simply tolerate her for the sake of peace, I have totally written her off. I would walk into the room and be totally smurfy with everyone else in that room and pass her like a full bus. I did not appreciate what she did and have no desire to play nice with her, whatsoever.

So, I am home all this weekend cause I am fiscally challenged, and also in the midst of PMS (elevated hormonal imbalance which results in the increasing depression). Not a good combination. I have switched off the cell phones and I am in shorts and bunny slippers - a clear indication of complete and total weekend lockdown and lockout. I left the house briefly half hour ago to go get the following

- laxatives (too much information???)
- ice cream
- doughnuts
- chocolate milk
- Vitamin E
- Motrin 800
- Panadol
- Hemarexin
- petrol

(comfort food)

The dude who rushed me to get into the gas station and was so pleased with his stupid ass that he had cut in front of me then broke down in front of me and they had to push his ole piece of shit car to the side so I could fill up. Who laughed then? That's where the 75 and the 25 collided.

Christmas into 2009

I guess I could tell you a bit about the holidays with Tamale since I was blog-less through it all.

Well, it took me a week to unpack my Hawaii/Miami bags and wash all the nasty, frowsy clothes in them and I did an overall cleaning of my room. That was my contribution to the holiday housework. My mother insists on the insane capsizing of the house when there is really no need. It is something of a Trini thing for some women to totally demolish the home for Christmas and then rebuild. I was not willing to be part of the demolition/rebuilding crew, much to her annoyance. The house gets cleaned every weekend. What the arse is this all about? I came home one day after a long day at work, and just wanted to park my fat ass on the couch and watch some "House". Only problem was, I could not actually FIND the couch, cause she had moved it and left nothing in its place, leaving me to park my ass somewhere else. And how callous I was to actually want to sit and have dinner after sitting in traffic for 3 hours, instead of picking up a rag and polishing.

In any event, Christmas Day was a typical family day - we had the rellies over for an awesome lunch which my mums and I prepared (my only other contribution to Christmas), and then we went over to my brother's for more food and drink and jokes.

Then I had my friend visiting during the final week of 2008, and shit, that set me back some serious dollars to take his white "never been to Trini" ass places, though he treated me to an awesome New Year's Eve dinner and dance - and I got to get all dressed up in a brand new dress, and coiffed and swanky, and got my ass rubbed and complimented. lol. And pampered at the Hyatt all week. Yeah...I stormed - I know...shameless. But the kinda money I was spending - money I did not have and still don't have, hence the reason I am at home every weekend this month - on being a good hostess, he coulda at least save me some gas, don't you think? And some sleep, cause it is sooooooo much closer to work.

The best part of that was our trip to Tobago - my first trip in over a year. How I let this happen is a mystery but Tobago always brings me joy and we had a great time. You should have seen your Tamale on the high seas on her jet ski! Woo hooo! Well actually it was more like

"fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...slow down, slow down....it too fast...I will
fall and drown...where Jaws??...drop me off...dropppppp meeeeee offffffff".

..cause he thought he was on fucking Baywatch. Of course he did not drop me off and he sped along merrily, with me holding on for dear life. All of the beach had a good time laughing at me, cause my screams were heard from miles away, but it was all in good fun...even the blood curdling screams. To be honest, I think I was more worried about getting my recent "salon fantastic" hair drenched than being eaten by Jaws, or drowning. lol.

And well I told you about my crying over the dog being put to sleep in the movie already. God...I am set for eternal spinsterhood at this rate.

All in all, it was not too bad and y'all know how much I loathe the C'mas/New Year's season. Now I just have to survive Valentine's and I think I will be okay. It's a Saturday too - so that means it will be in overdrive. Oh God!

On the rocks

I'm home - eating cheese balls and drinking Bailey's on the rocks. I have to take a nap before Grey's Anatomy so won't have a real dinner now. I am also trying to calm anxiety and the only way possible for someone like me after a long day is food. In this case, cheese balls and Bailey's.

I am really trying my damndest not to let this whole impending unemployment thing stress me. I have some eggs in some baskets but I am anxious for these eggs to start hatching already and give me some chicks. Or maybe I can use them for a nice omelette. Something. I have been practising my affirmations - my "not IF I get a job but WHEN I get a job" affirmations. Gosh...it's hard though to stay smurfy about it when the phone does not ring with news.

Job hunting is a real pain in the ass especially when one's back is against a wall. I keep thinking about the bills that somehow don't get the memo that you don't have a job and keep coming anyway. And I keep thinking about all the things I have gotten used to - like monthly dinners and trips and shopping. I know what it's like to be without a job and those memories are haunting me.

The annoying part of all this is that I vowed this year to leave things to God. Yep. Leave all my baggage to Jesus. But somehow my neuroses seem to get the best of me and I end up taking it back when I know it's best to just leave things to fall in place. I have done my part. The eggs are in their baskets. Not much else I can do. It is not a daily process anymore - this affirmation thing - it is a process I take minute by minute. I don't want to be THAT girl that starts crying and stressing on the 8th day of the year. No. Not that girl. Not so early.

My moods are up and down like a rollercoaster lately.

Thank God for Bailey's.

Through a mother's eyes

We had our annual mother/daughter get together today. I left work early and joined my mum and her friend and her 38 yr old daughter for drinks. I should make a correction - we had our annual "knock the spinster daughters" get together today. According to the more senior of the ladies, they have wasted years of their lives nurturing and caring for their female offspring - in the hope that they would get married and have grandkids. Instead they get daughters who are apparently so evil and heartless that after all these women have done for us over the past 3 decades, they would grieve their mothers with the growing hopelessness of eternal spinsterhood and barren wombs.

And it is not enough to say, "Maybe in a couple years it will change, mum". Oh no. We were apparently raised and nurtured and spared hard work and tribulations so we could be young and beautiful and fresh, not get married past the marrying age (whatever that is), looking weathered and hard-up and desperate. Yes, my mother says I was allowed to sleep late and not fret about too many chores, to preserve my looks. lol. Now it is apparently all a great waste. They actually referred to raising us as a waste. lol

Yep. We do this every year. Maybe next year will be different.

Tamale cannot be silenced!!!!

Well, it happened that a friend came up to me and told me, "thanks for not talking about me in your blog." I was a bit confused cause few people in real life know about my blog. I came home wanting to see if what she mentioned was in the blog or on Facebook and came home to no journal whatsoever. Fuck me!

And so the story goes. I guess I can rant about it but I have other more pressing things. Like my URL - who the hell calls themselves Tamale besides me? I tried to get all reasonable sounding alternatives but they only offered shit like tmale20 and other such rubbish and after about 10 creative and sensible ways of trying to get tamale to still be tamale, I came up with what you see there - after pure exasperation - tam-effin-malee. lol.

And I never saved that profile photo of the brown avatar, and I will be damned if I put my own face in the little pic space, so get used to the fireball shit you see there. Get used to it fast.

Yep. The blog may have changed, but the bitch has not.

Also my heightened state of poverty this month. Celebrating milestone birthdays and New Year's and shit ain't cheap and I saw my bank balance and cringed. Notwithstanding I face unemployment in less than 2 months. Oh yes...life is good. Broke and jobless. lol.

The love life? Well, not much change there either, sad to say so the chronicles of this Third World spinster are still being written. I had a friend visiting and that was the closest thing to a love life - going to dinners and ringing in 2009 together (and I look niiiiiiiiice. it was a lovely evening) and going to the movies to see "Marley and Me", and having him hold my hand and not laugh at me as I bawled fucking buckets when they put poor Marley to sleep and the little kids wrote poems and cried for the worst dog in the world. Man, it was embarassing. I cried all through the end of the movie - a full 10-15 mins. Bawling. lol. And to make it worse, leave it to a man to not notice that while crying over a fake dog euthanasia session, my mascara had made a kinda moustache over my lips and we went into a store and into a restaurant and this fucker said nothing to me. It was only when I went to piss that I saw I had Clinique black mascara above my lips - like a damn asshole. lol But yeah, that is as close as it gets - and it really is miles away.

I guess this is my first post on this crap site. It is doing some stupid things already. How do I know if anyone reads this? I guess I am going to find the JS-ers now and get some little faces to add as stalkers...ummm..followers. Wow...is this a cult breeding ground? I feel like I should be passing out poisoned flavour-aid.

I much prefer "fans".

Oh well...Happy New Year from me.