Meandering thoughts that are put into meandering words

You're gonna get a lot of up and down here. I told myself I would write only when I felt good and happy and smurfy but then that would be a misrepresentation of my life. To be honest, as I said before, with my affirmations, I am about 75-25 - more up than down. I am making a concerted effort to not be THAT girl - the bitter, depressed girl, but rather the girl who appreciates life and its blessings. The downs have been fleeting but they exist. I am not at the critical point yet where I feel my life totally slipping away from me, and that means there is still time for salvaging from 2008's missteps. I am moving forward and leaving all that behind but it still manifests itself every now and then.

Some people may be content with being mediocre but I cannot accept anything less than great for myself. It's a constant struggle to love myself as I am.

I have to keep the radio on to keep smiling today cause the feeling is creeping up on me and it's bad. It's up to Machel and Patrice and the rest of the soca world to keep me from crying today.

When I'm up though, I'm really up. My British friend remarked while he was here that he had never met anyone as friendly and outgoing as I am. We would go out and I would make conversation with everyone we met. He thought it quite remarkable and I guess being British, he is really not used to it cause he commented on it each and every time I did it. But we went to dinner and by the end of the night I knew not only the waitress' name but where she lived, how many kids she had, the host's name, the name of the couples next to us and the fact that it was their first New Year's eve together in 15 years. I became friends with the dudes on the beach, the bartender at the other little place, the English woman in the elevator at the hotel. lol. But as I told him, I harness the good days and then you never know when you're gonna need a favour from someone. I am just naturally friendly.

But when I am in the 25 zone - well...steer clear. I am not perfect. I can either be a really great person or a real first class bitch. I mean, bitch is an understatement. I had an incident with a co-worker in December - well a bunch of us did - but she quickly realised that while the others would simply tolerate her for the sake of peace, I have totally written her off. I would walk into the room and be totally smurfy with everyone else in that room and pass her like a full bus. I did not appreciate what she did and have no desire to play nice with her, whatsoever.

So, I am home all this weekend cause I am fiscally challenged, and also in the midst of PMS (elevated hormonal imbalance which results in the increasing depression). Not a good combination. I have switched off the cell phones and I am in shorts and bunny slippers - a clear indication of complete and total weekend lockdown and lockout. I left the house briefly half hour ago to go get the following

- laxatives (too much information???)
- ice cream
- doughnuts
- chocolate milk
- Vitamin E
- Motrin 800
- Panadol
- Hemarexin
- petrol

(comfort food)

The dude who rushed me to get into the gas station and was so pleased with his stupid ass that he had cut in front of me then broke down in front of me and they had to push his ole piece of shit car to the side so I could fill up. Who laughed then? That's where the 75 and the 25 collided.