Shutting it down down down - Pt II

See this woman?

This woman went out on a date on Sunday evening. Her male companion said she went to her car and never came back. He called the police when he realised she was missing. After hours and hours of questioning and I suspect physical persuasion aka a good beating, he confessed to killing her and gave the cops the info which led them to find her body today. She was 40 years old. Mother of 4 children.Her 17 year old daughter had to identify her body today.

People think I am too cynical when it comes to love and dating, and trying new things aka online dating. I make jokes about the psychos out there and about how I imagine I would meet some dude and he would rape me or kidnap me or kill me. And I get "Oh Tamale, you are so negative."

This woman met a man online and after chatting with him for an undisclosed period of time, she went out with him on Sunday evening. She picked him up and they headed to the beach. This was their first date in person. He killed her that same evening. Beautiful woman with a job and kids. What was missing? Companionship. So she probably was too busy with 4 kids to go out and meet men and turned to the internet, where she met her end.

A distraught Daniella Boysie, 17, yesterday pleaded for the public’s help in locating her missing mother. “I want my mummy to come home. I want her home alive and well. I am writing exams and still have Geography and Biology to do next week. This has affected my studies,” the teen cried. Boysie is a sixth form student of Fyzabad Anglican Secondary School.

This could have been me, minus the kids. So no more Tamale being idle on these nutty sites with men in blue speedos professing their loneliness and desire to show me their sugar stick. Shutting it down. These fucking men make being single look like Utopia! Real life men. Cyber men. Men - they seem more and more like a lost cause in my life. The bitterness grows. I just need me a good loyal fluffy dog it seems.

Tamale

Power breakfast

Last night when I got home I was totally spent.Having worked late every night last week and then the weekend, without any real rest, my body was just letting me know that it had had enough. I changed into a maxi dress and poured myself a rum and coke. The plan was to have my drink while my feet soaked in the foot spa, while listening to Evolver cause if y'all did not know John Legend is coming to Trinidad and I buy my VIP pass today!!!! (happy dance)

Because one of my quirks is not liking to have cold drinks with ice, but rather frozen, I put my cocktail in a thermal cup, and placed it in the freezer to chill. I then made the biggest mistake of the night - I lay down on bed to stretch my inflamed back. And that was all she wrote. I woke up at 5am - with the lights on, makeup on and my cocktail a brown block of ice. I took said drink out of the freezer and placed it on my dresser for some reason, and stripped and went back to bed.

Woke up at 7.30, still tired but my body cannot do long night sleep like normal people. I got a slice of toast and walked back to my room, and downed the now melted rum and coke at 7.30am. lol. Does this mean I am a lush or that I was just plain thirsty!? Don't try this breakfast at home, friends.

As you may have guessed I have the day off cause I don't normally have that sort of breakfast at the office, nor do I blog from the office. I have been threatening to see a movie for weeks and life just always gets in the way. It is amazing how going to the cinema, buying some chips (I hate popcorn) and relaxing to see a movie requires so much planning and organisation for me. Nothing is simple anymore? Today is the day though - I swear. Today it just has to happen. I have errands which I should have started already but I wanted to pee out a bit of the rum in case the cops catch up with me and plus I just feel tired still. It has been a very hard 3 weeks - and I am totally burnt out. I had hoped to travel today but decided to save that money for a longer weekend.

But in other news, I met a really hot guy - first hot guy in months. I am not sure if he knows that I am checking him out, and I hope he was checking me out, but when he calls me back (we have some business to finalise), I think I may bite some balls and ask him out. I have never asked a man out in my life cause they usually come to me - the miscreants and the not so miscreant. But that sure as hell is not working out for me is it? I am not sure if he is married so I am hesitant.I don't want to come across as some desperada. He is older (of course, I like 'em marinated) and so gorgeous. And he wowed me. I have not been wowed in a very long time. I am not as bold with such things as I am with others. Matters of the heart and of the loins can destabilise strength of character sometimes.

But maybe I should have some more rum today so that when he calls, I would me Mellow Melanie. Wish me luck. And have a good day.

With an "S" on my Chest - Super Spinster!

Thanks Lou for noticing I was missing. :-) I have not updated for the week and sadly it is not due to anything exciting. Just work. This week has been more of the same - early mornings, late evenings, and it also included early Saturday morning to late Saturday evening. Work, not play. So I am just about to take a shower and head to the supermarket to do my weekly chicken breast feel-up and hope that the stuff you see in movies can maybe happen to me - some hot stud shopping for melons or dog food will give me his number as I decided on beef or chicken for this week's lunches.

Remember how annoyed I used to be when my former boss would try to be all up in my personal life and would pose the why aren't you married, when are you going to get married, when are you going to have kids questions?

Well, I swear to you - when I go to work, I go TO WORK. I don't go to work and lay out my baggage to anyone who would listen. I talk about work and if I meander into the realm of non-work - news, movies, sports etc. I park all my personal baggage outside the door and leave it there. I am clinical to a fault with co-workers.

- How was your weekend, Tamale?

- It was cool.

No, well, I went out with X and we ate Y and I wore Z. Just, it was cool. I keep telling people I am very private when I need to be and I keep non-work stuff out of the way at the office.

But clearly I must have a look, or maybe because the words "boyfriend" and "husband" do not come out of my mouth at least 40 times a day like the other women in the office, as they gab about everything to anyone, cause I went to my manager with an invoice to be approved on Tuesday, looking real special in my new outfit, and she somehow went from invoice to dating and Person X thought she would not get married either and one day she just met the right guy, just like that. And I had to hear her personal testimony too. And I sat and I smiled and did not confirm or deny anything related to my life. But I got the gospel anyway.

I am far too pretty to not have a boyfriend and she understands that the man pool is small and shallow but she met her husband when she least expected it, and just like that she re-married when she thought she would never marry again...blah blah blah. And she knows my hours make it impossible but I have to try.

I would have preferred, "I can let you leave earlier or work from home sometimes so you can go out man-hunting cause I am so concerned." But in the real world, one is simply nosy and never offers any constructive solutions.

I dunno nah...maybe I should just sit on a street corner with a pan and a sign that says "Help the Spinster" and collect donations or phone numbers while ringing my charity bell.

Taking the dick away without explanation

I just got raped. By the medical profession. The medical mafia. Where one doctor sees you, refers you to a specialist even though he knows there is nothing wrong with you, but the specialist is also from some little child-rearing village in India. You see said specialist at the break of day on your fucking weeekend, only for doctor #2 to tell you in less than 5 seconds that there is nothing wrong with you, but still rapes your pocket of $400!

I feel totally violated! Just to clear something up though - the specialist was not the fertility doctor, but rather an orthopaedic doctor. I apparently just have a normal, stress-ridden, I-need-a-vacation spine! $400 I could have spent on some shoes or a new outfit. Steups.

So that episode of Oprah I mentioned was really powerful for me cause it highlighted that

1) there are millions of dumb women out there

2) men like these dumb women cause they can do as they will with them, thus leaving the not so dumb women like myself, manless, sexless and snuggle-less

3) I think more like a man than even men themselves know

Oprah was talking to Steve Harvey about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a book I think I am going to buy to share with my girlfriends cause they do some dumb shit.

And Lermie is screaming out loud - What is Steve Harvey doing? Why is he revealing the secrets???

As they discussed some of the points in the book, some of what I will call gospels, I sat there and nodded and mmm-hmmed and almost "amen'ed" cause the shit he was saying was just so true and I thought, why don't women get this? The woman who asked about being obligated to have sex with a man cause he bought dinner was just one of the women out there who don't get it. I got it. I have been getting it for years. When Steve said women should not lower their standards just cause they got older, I wanted to tape that shit and blast it across the airwaves to all the women who have told me I have too high standards. I nodded when he said not to go overboard with the standards thing - I am not anal about shit like height, putting the toilet down etc. There was a group of women who had LISTS...long, long lists outlining this so-called perfect man. I am not like THAT. But there are just some basic shit I require - respect, honesty, drive, all his hair (lol...not going beneath that bar again...tried it, and it sucked) and good decent values. Is that too much to ask, for crying out loud??

Don't get me wrong. I do dumb things too but not too many. One thing I will in fact admit to doing and being part of the dumb sisterhood for is the whole closure thing.

Women want closure. Women love closure. When a woman has been "he's not into you'ed" by a man, she wants to know more - why aren't you into me, what did I do, who did you meet, when did you realise, how did I mess up, where did it go wrong?

I am totally guilty of wanting closure. Lock me up and throw away the key. I don't get men just thinking they can walk into your life, stick their dick in you, and then without warning, or explanation, leave. That gets me. That sends my blood boiling.

But as Steve said, men don't do closure and women need to get this. Men pay for that dinner and write it off as a loss and move on. Cause there is another woman around the corner who may give up the pussy for some chicken dinner, or who may just be what they'e looking for, as opposed to you, the dumpee, the no-closure heifer.

And I listened to Steve and I said, "okay, I understand that men just move on...that's cool." Do I agree with it? Hell no. I find it a bit hard to just move on. In fact I get damn vex cause I think I am da shit. lol. And I wanna know why, what, when, how etc. To this day, Baldie has not contacted me to say, "well, I just did not feel you" and that annoys me. It annoys my ego that this not-so-great fucker did not think, I, Tamale, was fantastic. lol. It is an ego thing for me. I make no apologies for this and will take my criticism for it. But I tell a dude when I am not feeling him. I tell him what he did not have to make me want to be with him. It's not hard. And they always wanted to know, so why is it wrong for me to want to know? I know there are other sordid sardine in the ocean but that does not help my closure issues.

But I promise to work on it. Everything else though - I might as well have a 10-inch penis cause I think like a man and I get the rest and wish women would get the rest. Like why do men cheat? Cause there will always be a woman out there willing to be the other woman, without regret or remorse. That's so simple. Why do we pull our hair out over it? We are our own worst enemy and one day we hopefully will figure that shit out.

Oh...I am getting too passionate about this. I have a date with my cookbook. Let me keep it.

Not worth more than a chicken leg???

When you look at tv, you can learn so much. You can learn about what's happening around the planet. You can learn how to make a small bedroom seem larger through use of colour, mirrors etc. You can also learn how no matter where technology takes us, there are always going to be people with no damn sense.

Oprah. Oh no, not that Oprah does not have sense. Her guests. I am watching Oprah the other day and the episode which I think requires its own spinster-loving entry features one woman Skyping in from somewhere. And her question goes something like this

- How do you not feel oblgated to sleep with a man after he has bought you dinner?

I was aghast! Is this where women have evolved to, that we think because a man buys us a pasta dish and a slice of cheesecake, we are obligatated to spreadeagle in humble appreciation?

What was even more alarming was the fact that this was not a 20-something year old woman, who I would give a little leeway - not much, but a little. This woman was 50-frickin-3 years old and asking how to get around sleeping with a man after he paid for dinner. This was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, seen etc. I was truly sad for this woman and wondered if she was still single at age 53 or whether she had been married and was out of the dating game for a while or something - some reason why she asked such a dumb question.

I would hope that when a man asks me out and when he pays for my pork ribs or my ravioli, he would not be paying for my...excuse the bluntness...but not paying for my pussy. I mean, this is even worse than prostitution. At least a prostitrute gets some money to pay bills, buy shoes, food, travel etc. The dinner date just gets, if she's lucky, a nice meal and if not, heartburn and diarrhea. The food ends up in the toilet bowl a few hours later, while a cheque can be invested.

If these are the men out there in the world, then I am burning my thong and applauding my spinsterdom cause I am worth more than a plate of chicken!

Dating tips

I won't deny it - I love "reality" television. Why? I love watching dumb Americans making idiots of themselves. It is really very entertaining. Trinis have tried to do "reality" tv but they try too hard to make it American, and it does not come off funny or entertaining. It just comes off as highly annoying.

My latest reality fix, and because I am a single gal myself, is Tough Love on VH1. It is not the typical skank-infested, Flavor Flav type mess though. It's about women working with a matchmaker to get a man. Hmmm...sounds like my kinda show - desperate women willing to try anything. lol.

But there was some good advice from the past couple episodes

- Sometimes you have to make exceptions for exceptional men. So yeah, sometimes we may think we don't want a divorcee, or a dude with kids, but he may be THAT dude. I think it's great advice, though I still think I am young enough and not desperate enough to subscribe to it. I still hold to my personal preference of not wanting a dude with all that baggage. I know it narrows the man pool significantly, but I just see a Flavor Flav, ghetto type baby mama in my dreams when I think of going down that particular road. But I will keep an open mind.

- Don't be a hypocrite. If you won't date a younger man, then you cannot expect an older man to want to date you either. This hit home cause I love the geezers, but not a big big fan of the little boys. Again, depends on the man cause he has to have that something but I get the point.

-Leave the past in the past. I am proud to say I am good at this. Initially after BT I was so bitter that I would go on a rampage but noone wants to hear about him. So we don't speak about him or any of the other assholes back there.

- Don't do reality tv - ever! No matter how sad or desperate your life is, having the entire world watch your hapless dating efforts cannot possible help your social life.

I feel like a loser!

So on top of mangling my hot glasses last week, I seem to have also lost my cell phone. I cannot find it anywhere. Now, I have 2 cell phones - the primary one I have, cause that never leaves my hand (lol). The secondary one - the one I used for business calls, but now hardly use at all - is missing. I was so tired on Friday morning that when I was transferring stuff from my khaki coloured purse to my khaki and army green handbag, I told myself I could not bother to look for the phone in the deep recesses of the bag just then. I would take the one I always use and look for the Motorola after. I got home, did not bother to look for it. Yesterday morning, I looked in my bag and it was not there so I concluded it was somewhere in my room, among the clutter. I just cleaned the room and the phone is nowhere to be found. I think I may have left it in the taxi cause I remember digging around for my keys and taking the phone out to get a better feel around the bottom of the bag. I am just annoyed with myself for being such a loser, and being so out of sorts after so much alcohol that I lost my phone and almost destroyed my glasses. Say no to tequila, friends.

edit: I found the phone, in the deep, dark recesses of the handbag. I swear, I was sober today! And congrats to the West Indies cricket team. What an awesome display of cricketing today, guys, especially after Friday's debacle. Keep it up.

In other news, I was telling PT last night about the guys at work and how all work stops, chairs turn and faces light up in interest, when I pass by to say hello. It's so funny, kinda cute, but ultimately a dead end. There is one dude at work who seems to be actively trying to "cop a feel" aka make a move. Not my type but he is cool I guess. I have not had much conversation with him but he always passes by my desk and says hi and makes idle conversation. So I see a friend request on Facebook from some dude I don't know. The photo shows a half naked man - some dude, from the neck down, in just a pair of skimpy boxers, taking a photo in front of a mirror. I said to myself, "Ugh. I don't know people like this" and clicked "Ignore". Yes yes. I am terrible but if you're just figuring this out, then boo to you.


So work dude comes to my desk and asks me if I saw his friend request, and I realise the dude who I have to call for help with my pc is the dude wearing Chippendale boxers on Facebook. I wanted to laugh, but I am too polite and told him yes, I saw it but explained that I don't add people I work with to my FB list. It's true though - I don't. It's the same reason why even if he were a Tamale kinda guy, I probably would not date him, cause I just believe in keeping my personal life and my work life separate. I have only ever dated one person I worked with and it was not too bad cause I left that place about 2-3 weeks after we started seeing each other. But as a general rule, I think it is an open invitation for conflict, gossip and farseness. So I don't want this dude all up in my business and him having my photos open for the entire company to see. When I saw the request the name did not even alert me - an indication of how little I know about this person. In any event, I would feel very odd adding a dude who is taking half naked photos of himself and posting them on the internet. I would hate to know this person is sitting in the dark somewhere, while on my Facebook page, doing God knows what with himself.

More Online Dating Horror

Photo by Walt Jabsco

After a hard day at work...
(insert digress here)

Work is okay. I have my "It could be good" days and my "I wonder how long I will last here" days. Today was one of the latter, without a doubt. But with about an hour left in the day, it became a "it could be okay" kinda day. With the exception of the kinda farse and bold faced girl who just sat her ass in my car without being offered a lift, thus pissing me off to no end, it was not a bad afternoon. I mean, I had my drive home all planned - some loud, sometimes off-key singing in the car, some chips, some phone calls. And there she was - storming my solitude. Without me offering. What kinda mothers are out there - don't they teach these kids anything about manners?

(end digression)

...you maybe want to come home to a glass of wine and maybe a foot rub after a nice hot shower, cause let's face it, 4am showers have a shelf life. I don't care how cold the a/c is in the office - you need to wash the day off your skin when you get home, especially after one walks into the ladies' room and there is the pronounced smell of a fresh load of excrement, with the suspicious smell of baby wipes mixed in. That kinda smell must have some staying power on the third party epidermis! So, I get home and there is only the hot shower, which is fine. I am destined to end this drought one way or another. I am destined to be coupled off sometime soon. This smacks of lonely desperation I am sure, but hey...I am not getting any sex to take the edge off so bite me.

(insert digression here)

So the cute, quiet chap at work tried to make a move today, but I was busy and had to voosh by him but he is making an effort and showing potential so maybe there is hope for him yet. Also laid my eyes on my colleague's form out of office wear today and all I have to say is "yeah buddy!"

(end digression)

So anyway, a few weeks ago for Valentine's, John Legend was on "Ellen" and encouraged people to use online dating, and since John said so, I have no shame in it. Cause noone else wants to date me. Gotta find alternatives.

So I come home and clack-a-tack-tack on the ole pc and there he was - the highlight of my evening.

Face smudged to protect the innocent
To be honest, Lermontov immediately came to mind though.
Lermie, you know I love you. lol

He sent me a note and wants to know me but I just saw the photo and thought, "My God!" and not in a good way either. And all his photos are of him and his tiny pecs, in a state of near nakedness, taking photos of himself in the mirror. And the scary thing is - somewhere out there, someone thinks he is sexy. I dunno - noone can convince me, not even with commercials and real-life tales of wedded bliss and 2.5 happy, smurfy kids, and a dog, that meeting a man online is not an adventure in insanity.

Dating a dildo

I get home from work and log in to my trusty internet service since I have not checked email, Facebook, the journal since yesterday (yes...an entire day!). In my dating site inbox is the following note - I have not changed a thing, except deleted his contact info.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN HIDING ALL MY LIFE MOST PRETTY LADY?Hello there MOST LOVELY lady, how are you? My name is (deleted) and I'm REALLY interested in knowing you A LOT BETTER, what do you say? My home # is (deleted, but if any of you are hard up for some area code 252 sex, tell me) ok? OH YEA, I DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED, PRIVATE OR RESTRICTED CALLS, PERIOD!!!!!!!!!! GET IT, GOT IT, GOOD!!! My Yahoo email and IM address is (deleted...and in case you don't like making phone calls I can give you the email address), alright? AIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT? I'd LOVE to hear from you SOON and OFTEN, ok? Take care, YOU JUST POSSIBLY MAY BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE[NO LIE], YOUR SMILE AND BEAUTY LIGHT UP MY WORLD and God bless!!!!!!!! Respectfully, (deleted...let's leave him with some pride!)

P.S. COME ON, MAKE MY MILLENIUM, I DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!

This should be an email from some young, gold toothed, bandana wearing punk, right? Wrong. The dude looks like Santa. Santa who goes "aiiiiiiiight". My God! What in the world is going on out there? And if he is so hard up for dates, he should be happy for any kinda call - blocked or not. I swear, the man looks like Moses. I suddenly feel dirty and used. And he ends with "God Bless". That is hilarious.

In real life though, I am examining the nest eggs aka the men at work. So far, one dude has some potential but I think I may corrupt him cause he seems really too sweet and wholesome. We will see. I am also realising the women are very nosy and pushy when it comes to knowing my personal business. I don't quite understand this concept but they will soon find out that I am not THAT girl.

And tomorrow is D-Day. Remember I had told you my cousin was visiting and I was hoping he would bring Adonis along? Well, he has not mentioned anything about anyone coming with him but we are going to watch England vs West Indies (cricket) next week and he asked me to buy an extra ticket. He claims it is for a girlfriend. I am trying not to get my horny hopes too high but hey...it could be a surprise, right? Sigh. My pathetic life. Making something out of nothing, but that fucker promised me he would visit! Well, anyway, my cousin arrives tonight from London so by tomorrow you will know whether my man is here or not. If my entry title says "Tamale McNasty" - be prepared for some swooning and ooohing. If it reads "Time to Invest" - listen as the cashier rings up the total on my brand new dildo.

Breakfast babbling

It has been a while since I made myself breakfast. I love croissants and bought a dozen of these mini-croissants in the supermarket. Add some eggs, cheddar, tomatoes and a mochaccino and you have a great start to a Sunday morning.

I tend to eat breakfast on the run cause I am always busy doing random shit. Yesterday morning I had to take the car in for servicing, so I had to be up early and took an apple on the run. Lucky car. I could use some servicing. So I always know this is going to be an ordeal cause all the macho men bring their machines in earlier than I do and when I got there at 7am, thinking I was hot, early shit, there were already 6 man machines in line before me.

Anyway, using my seductive smile and charm, I managed to sneak my lady in and as I stood in the garage overseeing the action, I spotted a red machine sneaking up to the curb. As I saw it, and saw the wrinkled old white woman behind the wheel, I realised this was BT's mum. Do I need to remind new fans who BT is? The nympho, lying ex. I knew old granny could not be puttering around in a strange country with all these big, bad black people by herself and knew that SkinnyFabulous would be nearby and sure enough, there he was across the street. To this day, I see him and get repulsed and ask myself, "Girl, what were you thinking?" I don't think he saw me which was a shame cause even at 7 in the morning I am hot stuff!

After that, I headed to the mall and I always say shopping is the surest way to get back on a diet. My God! I am almost scared to think that none of my work clothes are going to fit me this week when I head back out into the rat race. Today is the last day - I promise. I won't lie though - I have been EATING! So there is no whining or crying. I know what I have been up to and aim to address it.

My friend, Rose - dunno if I mentioned that she finally...FINALLY left the cuntastic Larry late last year, left the island, and can you believe she already has a new guy in her life? She sent me a photo and he is hot shit. I mean, is it just me left at the gate leading to sex, back rubs, Sunday morning breakfasts and happiness? My cousin told me based on her visit thus far, she understands though why I am single and urges me to either order a man from overseas or move. But I still doubt that Mr Tamale even exists. Not even this online dating thing works for me cause I am too cynical and too cheap to pay subscriptions (lol), and then this leaves me at the mercy of the men out there - and so far, instead of the hot dudes you see in the commercials, I have been getting Billy Bobs, with thick facial hair, lots and lots of torn calendars in their past (aka old fuckers), standing in front of barns or pickups. Or meatballs named Gino, with the hamburger meat all out there, and I am lucky if they have a high school education. lol. Or a dude whose handle, I kid you not, was pusslicker.

All this over breakfast.

Pins in the voodoo doll

The relatives are here from the US for Carnival and everyone is going out to a party today. Where will I be? In bed. With a book. God...I am pathetic. I should have bought a ticket and gone too. But at $700 a ticket, and with no psychic knowledge that I would have a job, I passed. But then, on a regular day, $700 a ticket is still ridiculous.

Yesterday I really wanted to tell someone, other than my parents, about my new job. Someone other than GB, who apparently had known days ago anyway (the consequences of living on a small island). Someone other than my gal pals. Steups. It was then I started to get real pissed with you-know-who. Mr “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I mean, how can you NOT be into me? Lol. I’m great!

I was really bummed cause for a while he was a good chunk of my life, and we talked all the time, and then he just-not- that-into-you’ed me. How gross. I wanted to email him and let him know anyway but refrained, cause I am the girl whose girlfriends quake in their high heeled pumps at the thought of coming to me with their man troubles cause I am the do-or-die queen. A usual Tamale response, after the requisite hugging and consoling, to some teary-eyed, snotty-nosed confession may go like this -

What? Girl, pick yourself off the floor and stop bawling. Does he think you’re begging? Is he the last chunk of man flesh on the planet? Don’t get lost in that love bullshit. That’s not love. That is BULL….SHIT! Why are you still with him?

Yeah. That sounds about right. And my friends are so predictable – they avoid me and get so silent when they are tolerating some shit they know perfectly well is bullshit – no calls, no texts, no emails, no drive-bys. And especially after the infamous BT, my horrendous ex with the sex addiction and issues with honesty, I sometimes seem to border on rabid, froth-at-the-mouth, red-eyed, snarling man-hater. Of course I am not, cause I truly am a soft marshmallow type - all sweet and gooey inside, but you get the picture. So I was not going to go against the Tamale grain and email this fucker who clearly does not know a good thing when he sees it. I mean, there is being busy and there is just ignoring a girl and this is ignoring. It cannot be preoccupation with work. It cannot be the constant travelling. That never stopped him before. That’s why he has a Blackberry. I stopped initiating contact, hoping to have him prove me wrong, but he has not contacted me at all. Am I going to sit and wonder if I did anything wrong? No. Why waste that kinda time? I am so done with men and their failure to communicate. I don't see why if you're not that into me, you just cannot tell me. I am a big girl. I can take it. Unless he's dead, I don't understand this behaviour.

So I sat with my “got the job” news in my empty study, watching my silent phone, my empty inbox, and cussed him in my mind. Pins in the voodoo doll.

About emotions

I'm still at home and on my way to the village - one last time. A colleague remarked yesterday that I don't seem worried about impending unemployment, and it's either I am not worried or I hide my feelings very well.

I don't think I hide my feelings well at all. You can usually tell what I am feeling. If I am annoyed, you can tell. If I am depressed, you can tell. If I am worried, you can tell. I have been writing here about how I have been feeling day to day about the job thing but I am more positive than worried cause faith is a powerful thing and I have to rely on God first and myself second to rally through the tough times.

And speaking of annoyed, I still have my online dating profile and when I need a laugh I mosey on over there. So first there was a dude named Gerry who sent me a wink or whatever it is. The only problem with Gerry is he was wearing a dress, makeup, a wig, high heeled boots and dangly earrings. Called himself "Kim" in the profile. Wow. I have reached wherever it is I am supposed to be going if I am picking up transvestites online. lol.

Then there was another dude - cannot remember his name, oh and this is where the "annoyed" segue comes in. Sorry for the digression up there. So he sends me a note and I go to check out his profile and in his profile he says, "Oh, and if you one of those persons who get angry at other drivers while driving, then maybe I am not for you,"

WTF! What a Jesus wannabe. I laughed at that one cause 1) I am the road rage queen and of all the thousands and thousands of profiles out there, he picked mine, and 2)so he won't date a road rager? What does road rage have to do with anything? I won't beat an innocent waiter while on a date. I won't curse out a priest. I won't slap bad kids. I won't even respond to rude cat calls. But I will fuck over the asshole who cuts in front of me without using his indicator, or who tries to run me off the road, or who drives 10kph on the highway when everyone else is doing 120kph.(legal limit is 80kph...lol)

Oh yes, friend, road rage is a natural reaction to vehicular stupidity and I don't get the self-righteous "maybe I am not for you" shit. I challenge this asshole to come drive in Trinidad for ONE day and then tell me if I am not for you. lol. Why do they have to make an already tedious process like dating, such a mission impossible???

And a little aggression, when channelled appropriately is sexxxxxxxxy. Grrrrrrrr. He has not had good post-road rage sex...clearly.

Being the last spinster in a recession

I had my gums gouged out today. I have not had a cleaning in...well, it's a bit embarassing how long it has been, but let's just say, my gums hurt now from my carelessness. My regular dentist was not available but the new, young dentist was just as nice. As nice as a dude with sharp instruments digging into the crap between one'e teeth can be. Remember to floss everyone! Floss floss floss!

Peta called today to see how I was doing (ignore the first line of yesterday's IM convo below...lol). Peta and I are more or less in the same boat - heading to uncertainty on the MV Dunno. The difference between us is that she has someone to come home to and cry about it when it gets too much. Someone to make her lumpy oatmeal or share a Haagen Daaz with. And she got it.

Peta: I dunno, Tamale. I am glad he is here. Him being here for me makes all this stress right now so much more bearable.

Finally - someone who gets it. It's not like I am complaining but when everything is tumbling around you, it's nice to have someone to just be in your corner, to be there with you. She said she is glad that she has that person or it would have been that much harder. Sure I have been reading shit like The Secret and reminding myself that I am awesome and this is the turning point yadda yadda. But sometimes you're just human and sometimes you start to doubt and fret and cry and at the end of the day - coming home to an empty house in the face of this chaos, is not always such a fantastic thing. Sitting alone on that dark Friday night, with all these ifs, whens and maybes in one's head, can sometimes send one over the edge. Sometimes it makes it all worse.

So when a certain bald dude indulged me last night in a conversation about anything and everything (besides job hunting, bills, wedding plans and babies) for 5 hours last night, and just was in my corner, well...it did not seem so bleak and for 5 hours, I forgot about tomorrow.

Supermarket Chronicles

Hundreds of people around the world are doing it - blogging about this day in history and about Obama and change coming to America. Don't be too disappointed, but I am not. I think everyone else has said it. What else is there to say about Barack and Michelle and Malia and Sasha? What I will in fact say though, is "hurray Obama" - cause everyone either stayed at home or late at the office to watch the coverage and there was zero traffic and I was home by 4pm! Isn't that fantastic? I will also say Michelle was rockin' that green outfit and I am excited to see if she becomes the first First Lady in a while to rock the inauguration ball in something stylish. The girls looked nice too. They are a very handsome family.

Anyway, back to life in the developing world. So last Saturday I sat down with some truffles and watched one of my favourite movies, Ladder 49. Now the scene which sprung to mind this afternoon was the supermarket scene, where Joaquin Phoenix's character and Jacinda Barrett's meet in the produce aisle (it's always the produce aisle, ain't it?). Meeting a man or woman always seems to happen in a supermarket and here I was, with my little basket with my Cheerios, low fat cheese and some other essentials IN THE SUPERMARKET. A-ha! Would it happen for me?

Well...

Fresh off a weight loss compliment...

Uncle: You slimming?

Tamale: You find so?

Uncle: Yeah man...you look good.

Tamale: And I have been eating non-stop the past 2 weeks.

Uncle: Does not look so

Tamale: Wow. Maybe this is the answer - to eat like a pig.

...and with that swagger, I moseyed on over to the frozen section to get some french fries. As I walked towards the egg section, I spotted not one, but two awesome looking specimens and the first thought was "Oh God. Are they gay?" cause they were shopping together. Nevertheless, I pulled my frame up, pushed the chest out, no need to push the ass out - it is made that way, and worked those heels and those hips. Ay ay...nutten. Not even a glance. WTF! I saw them again at the ice cream freezer, and again...nothing. And one last time at the cashier. This time I got a smile but that was it. And I know I was looking ON today. I was on the phone with a friend and told her of the crisis and realised, this was yet another one of those important life lessons.

So the lessons learnt today -

1. It HAS to be the produce aisle with tomatoes and other breast-like objects or else don't bother

2. Follow your gut instinct always
3. Two men shopping together are clearly gay

4. The movies are all lies!
5. Always buy whole wheat/grain pita pockets in bulk when you see them cause they go quickly

6. Maybe a hardware might be the next attempt.

About the recession - the MAN recession

I had a meeting this morning and afterwards, as we sat on the terrace eating hors d'oeuvres, we started chatting. Us girls that is. And Karla tells me her resolution for 2009 is to quite simply - GET A MAN!

...to which 2 other girls chimed in - YEAH GIRL. mmmmhmmm.

So okay, I need reminding sometimes that I am not actually the last spinster on earth, as much as I may want to believe that I am. I mean, I am not telling random women that my year's mission is to get a man, while eating kebabs. However, I am part of an apparently sizeable group of women - independent, attractive, successful women - who cannot get some regular ass and lovin' and affection.

So what do we do about this?

These days, nothing. I am not so obsessively caught up in this "find a man" adventure. Finding a job to pay the bills and regaining some motivation to lose weight and not eat everything in sight are real priorities for me right now. I mean, we can go on and on about the job bit, but until I actually get a job, it is pretty banal stuff - me talking about my frustrations and anxiety. And in any event, let's remember - Tamale is leaving the job to Jesus!

The eating bit seems to be a bit of a crisis though and I am not sure what prompted it. I have been eating A LOT and it is a tad bit worrying. Maybe I am thinking, "wide hips are the least of my problems when I am penniless and jobless" or maybe I am thinking "well, with the recession when I cannot afford to buy food, it will drop right off so I might as well eat while I can now". Whatever it is, my eating is bordering on fucking ridiculous. I'm hungry now actually and want chips. No chips. The recession has already started affecting my snack haul.

So as we wind our way back to the point at hand, the man recession. Yep. I was saying I am too preoccupied with other things to let this man thing become a Top 5 issue. I got some sex the other day - was not GREAT sex - but it sort of quelled a hunger. Sort of. So I am okay. I also decided that this year, I am going to learn to swim. Yes. I live on an island and cannot swim. But I have plans to apply for that job to laze around on an island all day and blog about it and I need to learn to swim. lol. Plus, it's good exercise though I am a tad bit concerned about the ravaging effects of chlorine on my already ravaged hair. Not to mention my fat ass in a swimsuit in a full pool of young teenagers with pancake flat abs. I also need to save, learn to Latin dance a la Dancing with the Stars and brush up on my French.

So again, you clearly can see the thoughts that proliferate my mind these days - the reason I am not obsessed over the man crisis that everyone else seems to be hot and scattered about.

But sometimes I think, it would be nice to get one of my own.

I challenge you to help my love life

I sent a friend an email yesterday, asking him about his recent holiday in Jamaica and jokingly asked whether he had hooked up with any of the ladies there. His response, this morning - "yep...I did."

I mean, is this some kinda personal crisis that everyone and their mama can meet someone and I cannot? Maybe I am not putting myself in the right places to meet the right people - like maybe Hawaii was a poor man-picker-upper choice of vacation/birthday spot cause there was nothing worth my time - or maybe I am still just too selective. People make selective seem like such a bad thing. Okay, tell me...let's look at my current man basket and you tell me if I am being selective.

Tamale's Man Basket - I am looking at the main players, and not the passersby. I have indicated how we met and a bit about the man.

Bomb - Met through work. 40-something, not young nor hard bodied, handsome though, separated from the missus, too busy for the average Tamale, too rakish and flirtatious for the average Tamale. Very Rhett Butler-esque. Has a bit of a bad boy quality to him - though he is more like a bad child who likes mischief. Non-committal, especially dealing with newfound freedom from a bad marriage. With a wife in the past and kids, the man has some baggage.

Adonis - Met on vacation. 30-something. BO-DEE for days. He has some awesome awesome specs - great ass, great abs, great pecs, great arms, great legs, great piggy. He is a specimen of physical perfection. Handsome too. Very smitten and adores the Tamale very very much. Very kind and loving. Great sex. Typical male issues like cannot properly communicate his emotions. Lives miles and miles away in London. Single but has 3 kids. 3 Kids = a farm. Farm = baggage. lol.

The newcomers - former colleagues we will call Burt (lol) and buddy we will call Ace.

Burt - Met through work. 40-something. No hard body unless you mean the hard pot belly. Great happy hour buddy. Great limer. No attraction to him though - not in that physical sense. Not the sexy kinda ole man I like. Some men are old but sexy, like bomb, even with a full head of greying hair, even if the body eh all there, but there is an aura. Burt has an aura I am sure, but his aura does not attract me. Kid somewhere out there in the world. Kid out there = baby mama somewhere.

Ace - Met online. Yes...you read it right. Online. lol. 30-something. Again, the body is just not there. Hairy beyond belief, except where it matters most. On his head. I must admit, I am a McDreamy kinda hair girl. I love a man with some hair. When you're doing naughty things, you wanna run your fingers through some hair. Or just play with some hair while watching tv. You don't want to apply sun tan lotion to the spot where there used to be hair. lol. Very laid back, very sweet, kind, thoughtful, affectionate. Husband material I think. No kids. Never been married so no family type baggage. The sex - well...there's a deal breaker right there. This is something that may need to be explored again in the future - to make sure. But a lifetime of bad sex is not something I am willing to accept to beat loneliness.

So friends, what do you think? Overly picky? Only Burt actually lives here but I am willing to relocate for my man, but are any of these men worth it? So far...not too sure.