Jealousy kills

During my adventures this weekend, I ran into 2 friends - both male. Both married. Both with wives in tow. Two different experiences.

Encounter 1
The Tamale encounters subject #1 and his wife, while heading to a fab shoe store.
Tamale: Hi "Frank". How you doing?
Frank: I'm great. Just shopping with the wife.
Tamale: Hi "wife".
Wife: Hello. Nice to see you. I like that necklace.
Tamale: Oh thanks.
(small talk ensues for 2 mins)

Encounter 2
The Tamale encounters subject #2 while heading to the lunch table and as he is heading to his, where wife is waiting

Tamale: Aye. Hi "Paul"
Paul: Oh, there's "wife" (a clear signal that this encounter was over)
Tamale: Hi "wife". Okay, enjoy your weekend.

Am I closer to Frank than I am to Paul? Not really. But Paul's wife has decided for him whom he can and cannot associate with and it's quite simple - he cannot speak to women. Mind you, Paul and I are former colleagues as are Frank and I. So when we meet, we talk shop. And shop gossip. And other such non-sexual things. Frank's wife is cool. She recognises that hey...my husband works with women. I better learn to deal with it. Not Paul. I can point out countless examples of where this woman has had this man like an ass cause he is scared to have a female friend.

- He has my number and some of the other office girls' numbers stored as guy names.

- We were heading to lunch one day - Paul, Frank and I and she called and he shushed me so that she would not hear a female voice in the car. No matter that Frank was there - he still shushed me.

- The day of the 8 hour flooding, when everyone else stayed behind in the office, he left and sat in murky flood waters on the highway for fear that she would blow a gasket. I swear, a normal woman would have understood that it was an unusual evening and he would be better off staying behind until it subsided.

The sad part is, he is one of those men who dote on a wife. I would almost cut my arm off to say he ain't got no spare pussy on the side. The woman is ridiculous. HE is also fucking ridiculous. There's love and respect and then there's being an asshole.

So he emailed me this morning

"Thanks for recognising the signal and saving me from sure fire and brimstone".

Being quick on the draw, as soon as he said "there's "the wife"", I avoided the usual hug of greeting and passed him like a full bus, while waving heartily to her from where I stood, getting a half-dead wave back in return. Sure, I'm cute but really...

Like I would really be out homewrecking with my mother in tow. Knowing that he is a homie, mum asked how come I did not introduce him. Hello? For that woman to grab my poor mother by the throat??? I think not.

I hope, even in the most alternate reality, I never become one of these psycho women.

Taking the dick away without explanation

I just got raped. By the medical profession. The medical mafia. Where one doctor sees you, refers you to a specialist even though he knows there is nothing wrong with you, but the specialist is also from some little child-rearing village in India. You see said specialist at the break of day on your fucking weeekend, only for doctor #2 to tell you in less than 5 seconds that there is nothing wrong with you, but still rapes your pocket of $400!

I feel totally violated! Just to clear something up though - the specialist was not the fertility doctor, but rather an orthopaedic doctor. I apparently just have a normal, stress-ridden, I-need-a-vacation spine! $400 I could have spent on some shoes or a new outfit. Steups.

So that episode of Oprah I mentioned was really powerful for me cause it highlighted that

1) there are millions of dumb women out there

2) men like these dumb women cause they can do as they will with them, thus leaving the not so dumb women like myself, manless, sexless and snuggle-less

3) I think more like a man than even men themselves know

Oprah was talking to Steve Harvey about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a book I think I am going to buy to share with my girlfriends cause they do some dumb shit.

And Lermie is screaming out loud - What is Steve Harvey doing? Why is he revealing the secrets???

As they discussed some of the points in the book, some of what I will call gospels, I sat there and nodded and mmm-hmmed and almost "amen'ed" cause the shit he was saying was just so true and I thought, why don't women get this? The woman who asked about being obligated to have sex with a man cause he bought dinner was just one of the women out there who don't get it. I got it. I have been getting it for years. When Steve said women should not lower their standards just cause they got older, I wanted to tape that shit and blast it across the airwaves to all the women who have told me I have too high standards. I nodded when he said not to go overboard with the standards thing - I am not anal about shit like height, putting the toilet down etc. There was a group of women who had LISTS...long, long lists outlining this so-called perfect man. I am not like THAT. But there are just some basic shit I require - respect, honesty, drive, all his hair (lol...not going beneath that bar again...tried it, and it sucked) and good decent values. Is that too much to ask, for crying out loud??

Don't get me wrong. I do dumb things too but not too many. One thing I will in fact admit to doing and being part of the dumb sisterhood for is the whole closure thing.

Women want closure. Women love closure. When a woman has been "he's not into you'ed" by a man, she wants to know more - why aren't you into me, what did I do, who did you meet, when did you realise, how did I mess up, where did it go wrong?

I am totally guilty of wanting closure. Lock me up and throw away the key. I don't get men just thinking they can walk into your life, stick their dick in you, and then without warning, or explanation, leave. That gets me. That sends my blood boiling.

But as Steve said, men don't do closure and women need to get this. Men pay for that dinner and write it off as a loss and move on. Cause there is another woman around the corner who may give up the pussy for some chicken dinner, or who may just be what they'e looking for, as opposed to you, the dumpee, the no-closure heifer.

And I listened to Steve and I said, "okay, I understand that men just move on...that's cool." Do I agree with it? Hell no. I find it a bit hard to just move on. In fact I get damn vex cause I think I am da shit. lol. And I wanna know why, what, when, how etc. To this day, Baldie has not contacted me to say, "well, I just did not feel you" and that annoys me. It annoys my ego that this not-so-great fucker did not think, I, Tamale, was fantastic. lol. It is an ego thing for me. I make no apologies for this and will take my criticism for it. But I tell a dude when I am not feeling him. I tell him what he did not have to make me want to be with him. It's not hard. And they always wanted to know, so why is it wrong for me to want to know? I know there are other sordid sardine in the ocean but that does not help my closure issues.

But I promise to work on it. Everything else though - I might as well have a 10-inch penis cause I think like a man and I get the rest and wish women would get the rest. Like why do men cheat? Cause there will always be a woman out there willing to be the other woman, without regret or remorse. That's so simple. Why do we pull our hair out over it? We are our own worst enemy and one day we hopefully will figure that shit out.

Oh...I am getting too passionate about this. I have a date with my cookbook. Let me keep it.

Not worth more than a chicken leg???

When you look at tv, you can learn so much. You can learn about what's happening around the planet. You can learn how to make a small bedroom seem larger through use of colour, mirrors etc. You can also learn how no matter where technology takes us, there are always going to be people with no damn sense.

Oprah. Oh no, not that Oprah does not have sense. Her guests. I am watching Oprah the other day and the episode which I think requires its own spinster-loving entry features one woman Skyping in from somewhere. And her question goes something like this

- How do you not feel oblgated to sleep with a man after he has bought you dinner?

I was aghast! Is this where women have evolved to, that we think because a man buys us a pasta dish and a slice of cheesecake, we are obligatated to spreadeagle in humble appreciation?

What was even more alarming was the fact that this was not a 20-something year old woman, who I would give a little leeway - not much, but a little. This woman was 50-frickin-3 years old and asking how to get around sleeping with a man after he paid for dinner. This was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, seen etc. I was truly sad for this woman and wondered if she was still single at age 53 or whether she had been married and was out of the dating game for a while or something - some reason why she asked such a dumb question.

I would hope that when a man asks me out and when he pays for my pork ribs or my ravioli, he would not be paying for my...excuse the bluntness...but not paying for my pussy. I mean, this is even worse than prostitution. At least a prostitrute gets some money to pay bills, buy shoes, food, travel etc. The dinner date just gets, if she's lucky, a nice meal and if not, heartburn and diarrhea. The food ends up in the toilet bowl a few hours later, while a cheque can be invested.

If these are the men out there in the world, then I am burning my thong and applauding my spinsterdom cause I am worth more than a plate of chicken!