Ennui

My co-worker is really passionate about her job. Dare I say, she loves it. She wears it. She breathes it. She takes it home. I put on a nice outfit hoping that somehow I will be inspired to work and live up to the outfit. It did not work today. I was miserable. I was not myself. I have not been myself in years it seems. I suspect I am bored with what I do. Bored with the day to day tasks and it is not fulfilling. I don't share her excitement over new things. I have stopped feeling excited. I don't hate it...sometimes I do, but it is not a general, daily feeling. But I don't love it. I don't wake up in the morning excited to go do it. I read some other industry blogs from people who blog about the field I am in and they seem to love it too. They are all bubbly about it. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. This bothered me as I read line after line of professional enthusiasm while I felt nothing.

I thought this was what I was supposed to be doing but I am miserable and though I know there are a whole heap of other factors contributing to this feeling, having no love or joy at work does not help either. Is it cause I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my career - feelings of failure, resentment, hopelessness? Is it the smallness of where I am doing it? The claustrophobia of my island home? I work hard and I work well, noone can dispute how hard or how well (fabulously) I work, but it's not a labour of love. I don't stay late cause of some indescribable joy to be there. Hardly. I stay late out of some weird sense of duty. I guess I just have to figure this one out on my own.

Sigh. This return to blogging has not started off that well has it? I will aim to improve. Hey, at least I am writing. It's daily now. Ha.