Day 12

Hey. It's me. Yes. Believe it. Sigh.

It has not been a stellar start to 2010. I keep typing 2009 and maybe that has something to do with it - my clinging to the past, a past which was crap. I have been steadily working on putting air into 2010's 2 projects - both beginning with the letter "M" but so far have met a lot of resistance from the gods. I get discouraged and frustrated easily and even though I know it is just the 12th day of the year, I always wants things now now now. It's this "now" syndrome that often paralyses me when things don't go the way I had hoped and throw me into states of frustration and depression. Not on Day 12, Tamale. I know I am not that pathetic. I am not there yet, cause I resolved to make it work and I will. Not there yet. Not on Day 12.

Additionally, a dude I was really getting to know and like is now ignoring me and I am like"what the fuck is up with that?" I have been nothing but supportive these past couple weeks and then he starts playing an almost virtual game of hide and seek, only I am not fucking seeking. He can hide til he farts himself to death for all I care. What is up with these men? Are they men or mice? If you don't want to speak to me anymore for one reason or another, just say so. God. It is super lame. This is the same shit that started off 2009. An asshole just giving me the finger for no reason I could ever come up with. I won't say for no good reason cause hey...maybe they both think I am an asshole but wow...tell me. lol. Let me address my issues. You bet I am going to send this clown an email and tell him I think he is an asshole so at least he is made aware of HIS affliction! lol.

It never ends. Day frickin 12. Goodness.

Merry Christmas to everyone

Hey all

I just wanted to come over and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and an awesome holiday weekend. Hope all is well in your worlds. I am a-okay! I have been puttering around. I think it is known that it is not my favourite holiday but I still appreciate all the good, wholesome things that come with it - like family get togethers and warm, fuzzy feelings from normally sour people. Next week will be harder cause family will not be around really...and noone wants to ring in the new year alone. Still working on that...but have a good one peeps.

quick check-in

Hi everyone. Though I have been scarce here, I have been blogging every day. Go me! I'll probably leave here for stuff I would not want my boss to read cause my other blog is VERY public, but not sure how much writing I will be doing here. It's hard to throw aside Tamale, so I will hold on to this and try my bestest best to give you something. But all I seem to do here is whine and gripe and I don't want to be that girl. It IS my medium to do so, but...

Warning: It's Here!

The Christmas music is on the radio. I walked into the mall last weekend and there were massive gilded Christmas trees. The stores were ablaze with red poinsettias and green balloons. Yes. Christmas spirit is here. UGH.

For the tragic spinster though, as I say every year, cause somehow my spinster status seems sadly terminal, Christmas is no hoot. Scrooge ain't got nothing on the gnarly, manless, childless spinster. I used to really enjoy the holiday - when you had tons of family around and people visited each other and it was not about gifts and pomp, but about family and love. Now, with most of my extended family living in various parts of the world, and my immediate family not always together, it is just another day for me. One year I went to the cinema cause The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King opened on Christmas Day. I packed my Christmas goodies and walked my ass to the cinema where I was one of maybe 10 lonely fuckers in the dark theatre but I loved it. LOVED IT.

My mum loves the whole holiday thing and I try for her sake but it is a suckage type of day for me. New Year's Eve is a week later, as if to twist the rusty knife into the wound of loneliness. However, I manage better with this one cause it reeks of optimism and hope and helpless denial.

I was really hoping for a change of status this year to have someone to share the holiday with and rant about the commercialism to, but again, it's much of the same. I may just crack open something mildly fattening and snuggle on the couch with something soft and stuffed and watch a movie. Last year I ended up watching Love Actually (a personal Tamale fave) and ended up bawling on the couch. lol. God...need to plan the Christmas Eve night better this time.

The Spinster's Dilemma

I have come to the conclusion that there is a reason why I am single and perhaps doomed to be an eternal spinster. I am too tired for a man. My God. I am knackered. I had the longest day and by the time I scraped myself to the ladies' room for a pre-rush hour traffic pee, my co-worker almost gasped at how exhausted I looked.

Go straight home, Tamale, she said.

Like I had somewhere else to go, right?

Last week a friend and I were talking about how the quality of life among some in my generation has diminished in today's society. I cannot tell you how many friends are trapped in the rat race like myself - a life comprising of waking up in the dead of morning to study or get to work, work all day, traffic, get home, tired, angry and hungry. I asked her, how do MARRIED people with kids do this shit? By the time you get home, you probably want to body slam the husband and beat those kids cause you're so bitter. And I would be on the short road to divorce cause I am too tired to shower on most days. Can you imagine trying to satisfy a horny husband after a 16-18 hour day? My goodness.

It's rough. As I sat in traffic again this evening, I called my friend Shar, and at 5.01pm, she was already in her jammies, and in bed cause she was exhausted. And I so wanted to be her. There has to be a better way to live! I want a cute husband and some babies but 1. how does one get these when you're too tired to look, and 2. who is more at risk if this keeps up - me or them?

Musings

Well, my team lost the game. It was a hard loss to take cause we played so well all tournament but I am not a sore loser, nor am I a sour grapes-er. NSW played the game deserving of the championship. Good for them. And my team? Still mightily proud of them. They represented my little country with amazing class and won over the fans.

In Tamale life, not much. Been so busy that I came home and remembered a very important project which saw me scrambling to get it out. I was all alone the past few days, with people out ill etc so it has been very hectic and very busy and my mind seems to not be able to keep up.

I am making Tamale time though. My early morning workouts are as close as I get to a life of my own, without having to worry about work. I don't want to be this fat when I turn...ummm...on my birthday in less than 2 months. It's good. It's going well. I am channelling my frustrations into sleeping and writing, hence the resurrection of the blog. Food is not the answer!

Looking for more writing opportunities too - I want to write about shit I enjoy doing. It really takes the load off. That and television. I love sitting and watching tv when I am not too tired to do so. There is so much shit on tv that boggles the mind, both in a "wow, I did not know that" and "wow...these people are so stupid" kinda way. Television is the source for amateur anthropologists. That and travelling. Or just having coffee. The things you see while waiting for a cup. If you only knew some of the crap I observe in my day to day activities, you would never imagine that my life were really very boring.

Sending good vibes to Hyderabad

Trinidad & Tobago players rush on to the field after they beat Cape Cobras by seven wickets to qualify for the final of the Champions League


This will mean nothing to a lot of people, but tomorrow my national team, Trinidad and Tobago play Aussie club team, New South Wales in the final of the Champions League Twenty 20 cricket tournament. None of these international clubs expected us to last past the first round. But here we are, still unbeaten and in the final. Clearly they have mistaken my national...NATIONAL side for that other team - the guys in the maroon who consistently get their asses handed to them. This team is the best side in the region, better than the regional side I might add. I expected nothing less but quality cricket from this team. I always had complete faith in the boys in red, white and black and wish them the best of luck against the Blues, whom they already gave a good cutarse last week.

Trinidad and Tobago forever!

p.s. Hugs to Lermie.

Ennui

My co-worker is really passionate about her job. Dare I say, she loves it. She wears it. She breathes it. She takes it home. I put on a nice outfit hoping that somehow I will be inspired to work and live up to the outfit. It did not work today. I was miserable. I was not myself. I have not been myself in years it seems. I suspect I am bored with what I do. Bored with the day to day tasks and it is not fulfilling. I don't share her excitement over new things. I have stopped feeling excited. I don't hate it...sometimes I do, but it is not a general, daily feeling. But I don't love it. I don't wake up in the morning excited to go do it. I read some other industry blogs from people who blog about the field I am in and they seem to love it too. They are all bubbly about it. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. This bothered me as I read line after line of professional enthusiasm while I felt nothing.

I thought this was what I was supposed to be doing but I am miserable and though I know there are a whole heap of other factors contributing to this feeling, having no love or joy at work does not help either. Is it cause I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my career - feelings of failure, resentment, hopelessness? Is it the smallness of where I am doing it? The claustrophobia of my island home? I work hard and I work well, noone can dispute how hard or how well (fabulously) I work, but it's not a labour of love. I don't stay late cause of some indescribable joy to be there. Hardly. I stay late out of some weird sense of duty. I guess I just have to figure this one out on my own.

Sigh. This return to blogging has not started off that well has it? I will aim to improve. Hey, at least I am writing. It's daily now. Ha.

Gratitude - Tamale's Top Ten

So I decided to do my "what I am thankful for" list.

1. My 5 loyal readers. Thanks guys for sticking with me, even though I have gone from 500 entries a year to barely 100 now. I often just have nothing to say. But you keep coming back. I must be better than crack.

2. My ass. I am putting on weight but there is nothing worse than being a fattie and having a flat ass, no waist and love handles. At least I am a HOT fattie with a great round ass, no love handles and a discernable waist. Not to mention nice boobs.

3. My mother's and father's hotness. I am a fat, gorgeous hottie! Ask anyone!

4. My job. Often hate it, but I have enough money to buy cute shoes and plan a much needed end of year vacation. I also get to go to NY for free in a few days.

5. My friends. They may be boring on a Friday night but when I am having a meltdown, they are my rock.

6. Cable. Has saved me from suicide on many a boring weekend. lol

7. Internet. Ditto.

8. My resilience. A lesser spinster may have quit life a long time ago, but this weary spinster keeps on truckin'.

9. My co-workers. For often reminding me that there are those who need Jesus more than I do.

10. My sense of humour. For keeping me sane, and making others happy enough to keep on loving me.

Passive Participant in the game of...Life

The girls and I went out to dinner on Friday, and as I met Bea, I was like "bitch!" How does a woman who just forced a 8lb life out of her vagina after 9 months of looking like a swollen cantaloupe with legs, get so damn skinny so quickly? And there I was, the fat, frazzled friend, after a long day at the office - on and off the road, in and out of meetings, with not even a lunch in my gut, yet looking like I swallowed the kitchen. It's just not right.

I read an article in the dead of morning today, as I was wrapping up....work (on the weekend) and it said "don't be passive about living" and despite my best efforts, I know I am being pretty damn passive. So how do you change this? My waking hours are spent working and then what's left over I use for sleeping cause I am basically too tired to do much of anything else. My friends are pretty busy themselves and this Friday outing was a miracle cause I can never get them to do anything besides clean up baby shit or crunch numbers at the office. I have stopped dating my mother, hardly date myself and am trying desperately to stop dating my kitchen, inclusive of fridge, stove and microwave.

Where on earth does it leave me? I am not quite sure. I am yet to apply and plan for vacation, cause I am either busy or indifferent. I am wary of doing yet another "solo" vacation. I love adventure and exploring and all but I am pretty tired of planning vacations around myself, looking for places a single woman can travel to alone, without fear for her safety. I have looked at singles' cruises and so far, it's a whole heap of old people looking for pre-retirement home romance. It's just not fun. But I need to give myself a vacation. I need a swift kick in the ass...and soon. I had hoped this year would be a great year but it has been a dud and though there have been some negative forces, it really is no fault but my own. I guess it's still not too late to fix it.

One, but not One

It's true what they say about misery loving company. I was not really miserable or losing sleep over it but it's always nice to know that you're not alone.

I think I am an attractive, intelligent, spunky, witty, interesting type of woman. I think I have a lot to offer. Yet, I am alone. And I try not to make it a definitive element but increasingly these days, when all I have is work to latch on to (quite unwillingly I must add), it dawns on me that the life plan just did not work out as I had hoped.

But it's not just me, thankfully. I have beautiful, smart, funny, totally stellar girlfriends who find themselves in the same position and you ask yourself, "what's up with the universe that we are in this position?" I am not sure what it is, but there is a sisterhood in knowing that, okay, I did not pull the short stick. There just happened to be a lot of short sticks. And you just make the best of what you've got.

I am so glad for the weekend though. I live for weekends which is sad cause 1. my weekends are pretty standard - catching up on sleep, and the occasional caloric Happy Hour and 2. this is my life - weekend lust!

But still, better than having nothing to live for. lol.

Don't Christians need condoms too?

Here I am. Are you excited? I am. Kinda. A little. Maybe not then. In any event, I want to start back writing and fan power can help. So, get to work.

So there is a guy at work - now I normally do't blog about work or work people cause hey, you just dunno who is reading - but I think this is anonymous enough. Anyway, work guy. So a few months ago, we had a workshop on HIV/AIDS and the facilitator gave us a bushel of free condoms - both male and female and a wide assortment of ribbed, flavoured etc. I walked through the floor handing out the condoms cause of course I could not use them. Duh. You need to be having actual sex. Anyway, there is a guy I used to talk to and we got along fairly well, so of course I walked over and offered him a condom. Does that sound very odd? Offered him a condom? lol

Anyway, I did not expect the reaction I got. It was almost as though I had offered him a steaming hot bowl of dog shit and he was horrified that I would even think of giving him a condom. I was really taken aback by the ferocity of his reaction and asked someone else if he was super duper religious or something cause I did not offer him my vagina....just a couple condoms. But clearly I had miscalculated his level of normalcy.

I saw him yesterday in the elevator and do you believe he is not speaking to me? After all this time? Months? I said good afternoon and he looked me dead in the eye and stayed silent. Over a condom, ladies and gentlemen. I was just too flabbergasted to comprehend this turn in our relationship but the moral of this story is - when in doubt, use your condoms as water balloons.

Mojo MIA

Alive. Reasonably well. Have not jumped out in front of any cars yet. But I have seem to have lost my mojo. My writing mojo. Has anyone seen it?

I have just been ratherrrrr busy lately and my life is now consumed by work and sleep, so not much to share by way of a blog. I think I may have lost my life mojo too. I know I need to address this soon, as I feel my life passing me by. That's it. This is boring I know but I may need to reinvent myself first before I reinject this space with something a bit more meaningful and fun.

Sorry

I keep having visions of weddings. Dreams of weddings. Other people's weddings. I think I have written about this before, this bridal lust so then I guess this post has become pointless, and it really means I should get psychiatric help for this neurosis! So there goes my post...lol.

I am in a very weird place lately and hope the bus will take me up from Weird and drive me to Zen soon.

Checking in

Dang. Someone from Harrogate, North Yorkshire has really been looking out for an update. I decided to take a few minutes and update, though sadly, even after all this time, I have nothing much to say. Work has been busy and at times frustrating, culminating with a bad mood episode last Friday during which I seriously questioned the worth of all my efforts when one takes into consideration that a pretty face and a hot body is all one may ever really need to get ahead in this life. So sick of it.

On the personal side...ha. Not much to say. I am trying desperately to lose weight for the millionth time cause I am really packing it on. I should be back at the gym by next week and hoping to double up on my efforts. I suddenly feel totally unattractive and I fear this is all contributing to plummeting self esteem, which ultimately contributes to a total giving up on socialising and connecting with new people. My friends have not at all contributed cause I initiate plans (if I don't, then noone else will), we make them, and then they break them. Case in point this weekend, where I ended up at home yet again, cause a simple outing seemed too much for them. I mean...seriously. The socialising bit is on pause...clearly.

This being said, nothing much has changed in the love life there either. I am still Single Sally, with no hope in sight for changing this status before my next birthday. My uncle says I need to start thinking positively about this and not always so negatively and maybe he is right but when I do, I seem to attract total undesirables - married men, worthless, cheating men, unemployed, parisitic men. How is one supposed to stay positive after that? Oh, not to mention the bi-sexual encounter last week where I met someone and she sent me a note the next day that was disturbing to say the least. I mean, if being a lesbian is my destiny then okay...she is not bad, but I still have these deep longings for penis as opposed to the other thing, soooooo.....no. Not at this time, girl.

Also looking forward to vacation. Desperately. The bad news is, it will not include Adonis as previously advertised. The good news is, I am so used to disappointment that this does not faze me in the least. It just means I need to come up with a new, Single Sally Solution. Tired of these solo vacations though - as fun as they can be. Just once I would like to share one with someone great and cuddly.

I truly wish I had some exciting updates for you all, but this is it. Sorry. But I will try to do better. If only the privacy options here were more conducive to people reading. I always feel like Big Brother is reading and it makes me less inclined to really get my feelings out. I seem to be too recognisable.

Still alive

Just have been busy with the real world and real world issues.

Looking for a good screw!

I came home and felt like I walked into some alternate universe. Where on earth was the corkscrew? A perfectly good merlot sits on the counter, waiting to be molested, sniffed and consummated, while I dig around looking for the damn corkscrew. Maybe this is God's way of saving me from that evil description which stress and loneliness can send a spinster to be referred to - LUSH.

But though I appreciate all good intentions to save my reputation, I still would like a glass of wine before my much needed nap! I thought of sticking some dynamite in the cork but then oh yeah...the wine may explode, and stain my walls etc. I tried using a knife and almost got my pretty brown finger jacked off. Where the eff is the corkscrew? Or a man who has a corkscrew? Or just a screw. lol.

I can have one glass on this weight loss quest, right? Right?

Career Change - Tamale, World Traveller

I am seriously looking for work as a professional blogger. I can see myself being really very happy in a career where someone pays me to write about travel spots, and general vacation experiences. It would just perfectly combine two of the things I love to do most in the world - travel and write. Now, who's going to hire me? I think my travel blog would be highly interesting and amusing, don't you think? Vacationing is one thing I do fabulously, and I write best when I am passionate about something, so why not pay me to improve my crafts?

And I would be very happy doing it and a happy Tamale makes for a happy world. As it is now, I can be rather deadly when approached by the wrong people as a man learned the hard way last week. lol. But generally, life is good. I am liking my job since the change - though this can change any day now - and though I don't have a life as a result of said job, I am okay.

There are, of course, the days when it gets pretty damn lonely and bringing work home does not feel like such a big, bad imposition. I have let myself go as well and I am fatter and not as hot as I usually can be. I am not sure why this is - fatigue or hopelessness. I hope it's more of the former and less of the latter, cause I don't like to think that I am so hopeless as to become a huge whale that noone will want to date. But seriously, I am using the next 2 weeks while my mum is on vacation to address ME and my issues with food and not wanting to exercise and maybe get some rest as well.

Rest...now there's a concept. Going to get some right now actually.

Check-in, Check-up

Hey peeps. I have been as scarce as a pig in a Muslim wedding and for this I apologise. I'm cool albeit extremely busy. I also feel like a lot of times I cannot say what I want to say in this forum but I trudge on.

I'm incredibly busy lately and also incredibly lonely and tired and all those negative things that come with too much work and not enough love and attention - sorry...not ANY love and attention cause self-love just does not count.

When will this perfect Tamale type creature come into my miserable, underpaid, overworked life?

Road to Vacation

Yes Lou...I do feel better but then it is the weekend, and the week may bring new ill feeling. I believe I am allergic to work. I am so looking forward to vacation.

I have been stuck with November as the month of choice for vacation and have no idea where to go. I guess I have time to figure it out but at that time of year, it is difficult to find somewhere fun. Cause on the one hand you have one part of the world battling hurricanes and that is no fun, and the other part facing cold weather. No fun there either. I don't necessarily need a beach vacation cause I can go to Tobago for that. But would love good weather, maybe some shopping, sightseeing, some fun activities, ease of getting there, cost-effective, safe and fun for singles - since it would be a solo spinster trip, and just general enjoyment.

So what is an overworked, hurricane-hating, anti-freezing, adventure-loving Trini spinster then do for vacation, and where oh where does she go?

Vegas just came to mind...hmmm.